Top Chef Season 17 All Stars Recap - Episode Fourteen

Greetings, Readers! Writing this week's recap has got me a bit verklempt. Not only is this the last Top Chef recap that I'll write for a while (maybe ever), but it also marks the end of fourteen long weeks of staying home, socially distancing, and all that other good stuff. When this season of Top Chef started, I was pretty sure I'd be back at work by this point. Back to the usual routine of twice daily bus rides fully of smelly and rude people, sitting in an overly-cold office for 8 hours, daily walks around Oriole Park at Camden Yards, listening to my co-workers chatting loudly instead of working, and watching the weirdo who eschews wearing shoes walking up and down the filthy hall carpet on his way to the even dirtier men's room down the hall. But no. I am still at home, with a 1 minute commute from bedroom to dining room table/work desk, which I share with my husband of 20 years (jesus christ, when did that happen?). The only thing--other than my employment and relationship status--that has remained constant in my life, pre- and during the pandemic, is my thoughts of food. I think of food pretty much every waking hour of my life. What to eat, how it will be prepared, where to obtain it. I conjure up recipes in my head regularly, not always bringing them to fruition, but enjoying the process nonetheless. Food is what has kept me somewhat sane over the last three months. To that end, I have enjoyed Top Chef this season because the show is primarily about food. But it is also about a group of people who have spent a great deal of concentrated time together and so have become good friends. And I have envied the interactions between these people, watching them coexist these last 14 weeks, even as I have not been able to see and touch my own friends. Of course, these same chefs have also had to endure the trials and tribulations of pandemic life just as I have, but with the added burden of wondering if their businesses will ever recover. Will life ever be the same? Will we ever have the relative frivolity of a food competition show like Top Chef again?

I'm going to try to make this recap brief. But then I say that every time and fail miserably.

There's no Quickfire again this week. The cheftestants--Bryan, Melissa, and Stephanie--find a note from Padma that urges them to eat breakfast before meeting her on the very foggy and damp terrace. Tom's there too, and they both compliment the chefs' performances so far before reminding them that their next challenge involves the best four course meal of their lives. Again Padma stresses that it be a progressive meal, which, as I have stated before, normally refers to a meal eaten in various locations rather than at one table. But I think the Top Chef meaning of the word is a meal that goes from appetizer to dessert. Not four courses of soup, or pie, or pate en croute. They want soup to nuts, but not necessarily soup or nuts. 

Out of the fog emerge their helpers for the contest: Kevin, Malarkey, and surprisingly, LeeAnne. Gregory has not been feeling well (his back still acting up, I assume) so LeeAnne agreed to take his place. Big of her to agree to travel to Italy, huh? The Final Three draw knives to determine who chooses first. Stephanie is number one and her choice is...Malarkey? She claims she chose him for his skill and enthusiasm. Bryan then chooses his bestie Kevin, leaving Melissa with LeeAnne.

Each pair gets their own SUV and heads off to do meal planning and shopping in Florence. Melissa of course is planning to continue her fusion (though she admits its a dirty word) of Italian and Chinese cuisine. Lee Anne is very opinionated, offering strong advice on how to prepare octopus and suggestions for ingredients Melissa might want to incorporate into her dishes. Melissa, however, is able to say no and shoots down most of Lee Ann's ideas. Stephanie tells Malarkey that she is going to make several things that she's made in the past, dishes that mean something to her. Personally, I think they sound a little done, particularly the kataifi-wrapped shrimp, which was a thing a few years back. Hopefully she doesn't shoot herself in the foot. Or shoot Malarkey for being annoying. Finally, Bryan--who last episode was deeply wounded by criticism that his food has no heart--wants to make dishes that are less his usual modernist tweezerings and more food with soul.

After spending a thousand euros on ingredients (much like my weekly food budget these days), the cheftestants head back to the Renaissance and cook for 5 hours. Everyone seems very enthusiastic about their menus. After the day's cooking is complete, they head off to a farmhouse in the countryside for a dinner promised to them by Tom. In a rather lovely twist, the meal has been prepared entirely by Tom, Padma, and Gail. It's a very nice gesture.

We then see our trio of finalists at home, skyping with their loved ones. Stephanie chats with her BFF Kristin Kish, winner of Top Chef season 10, whom she met in culinary school. (Stephanie also participated in that season, but was eliminated in one of the initial qualifying rounds.) Melissa converses with her excited mama, and Bryan calls Michael Voltaggio for some supportive brotherly love.

The next day, the chefs have another three hours to finish their dishes and serve them to a group of highly regarded chefs including Marcus Samuelsson. Their first courses are well-regarded by the judges, whose only quibble seems to be that Melissa's char siu sauce is a bit sweet. Tom praises Stephanie's kataifi shrimp, saying it's perfectly cooked. (So maybe the judges aren't sick of that particular dish quite yet.) The dish reminds Stephanie of her late brother, and her tears cause Gail to shed a few herself. Each of the three finalists serve pasta for their second course--so appropriate in Italy--and these dishes are also praised. There are a few more issues with the third course, mostly with Stephanie's veal breast dish which is a little dry. Bryan's squid ink foccaccia is also criticized for not being absorbent enough. (By the looks of it, it wasn't foccaccia, either.) Dessert also seems to please the diners, which means the judging will be difficult. 

You all know that I've been rooting for Bryan, who was competing on Top Chef for the third and final (so he says) time. You all also know that he didn't win any Quickfire Challenges and few Elimination Challenges this season. So something was off with him this time around. If Bryan couldn't win, I would have loved to see Stephanie get the prize. She was clearly an underdog who came on strong toward the end of the competition. Melissa was strong the whole season and clearly a chef to be reckoned with. And while I liked her just fine, and loved her concept of adding Chinese elements to just about everything she prepared (Chinese cuisine is my very favorite), she was not my choice to win.

So of course she won.

Congratulations to Melissa King for an amazing run. She's the winningest competitor ever, and only the 6th woman in 17 seasons to earn the title of Top Chef. She was also the Fan Favorite.

Sorry, Bryan, you will always be my favorite.

* Any products in this post that are mentioned by name may have been provided to Minxeats by the manufacturer. However, all opinions belong to Minxeats. Amazon links earn me $! Please buy!

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Top Chef Season 17 All Stars Recap - Episode Thirteen

I went to the office yesterday for the first time in 12+ weeks. It was strange. Only my supervisor was there, plus a guy from another department. The corridors were dark, the air was silent. And I kinda liked it. My regular readers probably have figured out that I don't like people very much, with few exceptions, so I found the deserted hallways soothing. Still, I'd rather not go back to work anytime soon. The occasional visit to do some essential chore that cannot be done from home is fine, but working from home is a life change that I have definitely gotten behind.

That is not true of the culinary world, of course. Thirteen weeks into the pandemic and restaurant people are tired of losing money. Honestly, I get it. But opening restaurants for indoor dining isn't going to help the bottom line very much. Restaurants need 80% capacity to survive, not 50%. Maryland is opening restaurants today at 5pm, after only a week of outdoor dining. Frankly, I'm sick to my stomach that businesses are valued more than people (and remember, I don't like people). We (that is, the state of Maryland) haven't yet finished our first wave of the virus but apparently are eager to get started on the second. Good luck to those people who are so desperate to get out and be aspirated on by others. My husband and I will continue to stay at home.

On to today's recap, which should be fairly short as there was no Quickfire Challenge.

When the episode begins, our remaining four cheftestants--Stephanie, Melissa, Kevin, and Bryan--are still facing Judges' Table. Prosecco Padma is still babbling on in half-Italian, half-English. She tells the chefs that super sponsor San Pellegrino is sending them to Parma in Emilia-Romagna where they will embark on a food tour of two of the region's most important foods: Parmesan cheese and Prosciutto. Their tour guide will be Lorenzo Cogo, the youngest chef to receive a Michelin star in Italy.

Padma also reveals the next Elimination Challenge, in which each of them will be responsible for two dishes, a primi and secondi--essentially a pasta course and a meat course--featuring the region's prized cheese and ham. These delights will be served up to a gaggle of Michelin-star-winning chefs who will judge the chefs harshly because they are stupid Americans who don't understand Italian food.

The next morning, they drive through the gorgeous countryside to their first destination, a cheese factory called Caseificio Gennari, where they don stylish blue coveralls and caps so they don't get their American filth on the product.

They are gifted with an 80-pound wheel of Parmesan to use in their dishes. Bryan hoists it on his shoulder and they are off to their next destination, Ruliano. There they taste some of the prized ham of the region, are told they should never cook the ham, and receive a leg of prosciutto to take with them. Bryan hoists it on the other shoulder and books a flight back to the states.

Shopping for this contest involves a series of adorable markets in Parma, where the produce is gorgeous despite it being November. Stephanie picks out a giant cabbage that looks like it just came out of the ground. Kevin finds some beautiful red and white borlotti beans in their pods. Bryan purchases a fish with bright red gills--a sure sign of freshness. Melissa sees scallops and thinks of XO sauce, which is made with dried scallops and Jinua ham. She feels prosciutto might be a good way to link her Chinese heritage with Italian food.

After shopping, the chefs head to Antica Corte Pallavicini where they will dine, spend the night, and prepare their meal. In that order. Before dinner, they wander through a creepy cellar full of hanging hams; Melissa wonders if a serial killer will make an appearance. They have a ham tasting, and Kevin is in hog heaven.

We seem him close his eyes in ecstasy, make that swishing movement with his mouth as if he was tasting wine, and have a porkgasm right on the spot. But the tasting is just foreplay for the main meal, a multi-course dinner during which the cheftestants do the inevitable musing about their "journey" to that point. God, I hate that word used in that way.

The next day, the chefs hit the kitchen and commence to cookery. Stephanie, despite the admonishment not to cook the prosciutto, decides to use it as a substitute for meat in a ragu. In other words, she uses a shit-ton of the precious ingredient, cuts it into tiny cubes, and cooks the hell out of it. For her second dish, she's putting slices of prosciutto within cuts in her cabbage and braising the whole thing. Again, defying the recommendation that she not cook the meat. Daring and perhaps dumb, but she's feeling confident. Melissa, too, is working with the prosciutto in an unconventional manner by using it in her XO sauce. She's working the parm into her primi as a flavoring element for her brodo. She's also using the French technique of making a raft--a mixture of coagulated egg and other ingredients that floats on top of and draws impurities out of a stock--in order to clarify it. It's a fiddly thing to do; she accidentally allows the raft to break, so she has to start over.

On the boys' side of the room, they're going in the opposite direction by barely draping the required porcine product over their dishes. Kevin found some pork at the market and is just tickled with his plan to make pork with pork on top. He's using the borlotti beans to make a pasta i fagioli with a Parmesan garnish added at the table. Bryan is making pasta alla chitarra which he will top with an egg and a nasty foamed up version of Parmesan fonduta that looks like marshmallow fluff. Mr Technique is also doing bass draped with prosciutto on top of a pumpkin seed pesto.

Prosecco Padma et al enter the dining room. Apparently the chefs gathered were the recipients of a collective 16 Michelin stars. Most are Italian natives, excluding California chef Evan Funke. His Italian accent is nonexistent but he is a master of pasta. It's a tough crowd.

The girls present first and leave elated. Despite cooking the prosciutto, Stephanie gets raves for both her pasta and the sauce which was well-balanced with both ham and cheese. Melissa's use of Parmesan rind in her brodo along with the Asian flavor of yuzu created something that had great depth of flavor. Then the boys get kicked in the head. Kevin's bean stew is fine, but the tablespoon of parm he adds at the table makes the dish too salty. And Bryan's pasta is good, but the judges don't like his aerated parm fonduta. I mean, they really hate it. Possibly because they expected to taste marshmallow fluff.

Both Stephanie and Melissa are praised for their secondi, braised cabbage with fonduta and scallop with XO and radicchio, respectively. Kevin's dish, however, is "not so good-a" because his pork is tough and the drape of prosciutto seems more like an afterthought. Bryan basically treated the ham the same way, but it's his pesto that gets slammed. Apparently it doesn't work-a well with the other ingredients.

Bryan should probably change his last name to something far less ethnic, cuz his Italian card just got revoked.

Judges' Table is pretty predictable. Evan Funke joins Pads, Tom, and Gail for the party and they roundly praise both Stephanie and Melissa. Stephanie points to herself, "me?"

She's surprised that she is going on to the finale, though Melissa is actually the winner of this challenge. That means the boys are on the bottom. Bryan's dishes may not have had soul, but at least the pasta he made was the best of the evening. Kevin isn't so lucky. His pork "ate tough" and was overseared, his raviolo was too salty, and the ingredient he was supposed to feature--the prosciutto--was an afterthought. Kevin thought his cooking was soulful, and maybe it had more soul than Bryan's, but the technical flaws were enough to send him home.

I'm happy that Bryan gets to go on to the finale, but I had hoped he'd get there on his own merit, rather than slipping through because someone else's food was worse than his. I'm sure he feels the same way.

Next week: the cheftestants will need to cook the best 4-course meal of their lives, along with a little help from their friends Kevin, Malarkey, and LeeAnne. Looks like Bryan is getting an advantage working with Kevin. Will opinionated LeeAnne sink Melissa, who looks to be the strongest chef in this competition? And how will Stephanie fare paired with Malarkey? Stay tuned!

* Any products in this post that are mentioned by name may have been provided to Minxeats by the manufacturer. However, all opinions belong to Minxeats. Amazon links earn me $! Please buy!

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Top Chef Season 17 All Stars Recap - Episode Eleven

Welcome to the end of Week Eleven! Is everyone still relatively sane out there? I know I get close to wigging out sometimes, but so far I have kept it together. No shame if you haven't, of course. Some people are having a hard time with all of this isolation. I'm not a people person, and I actually like staying home, so it's less difficult for me than for others.

While it's still Pandemic Central in the US, with who knows how many weeks to go, we're almost done with this season of Top Chef! Two weeks of finale and that's it. I feel like it flew by pretty quickly, especially compared to the last couple of seasons I watched. (They were interminably long, at least 47 weeks each.) This season has also been helped greatly by the handsome presence of Bryan Voltaggio. I'd better be getting two more weeks of him!

So what happened this week? First, we got the results of Last Chance Kitchen. Kevin was the reigning champ, and he kept his title by beating last week's ejection, Karen. But that wasn't enough! Once Karen was out, the final five cheftestants swaggered into the kitchen. They weren't late to the party, they were the next part of the challenge. Tom announces that despite his exhaustion, Kevin would need to fight three more matches, and if he won 2 of the 3, he'd get back into the main competition. His new opponents were of his choosing: Bryan, Malarkey, and Gregory. The latter two went down, so Kevin was back in the game. We knew that was going to happen, right? But suppose he didn't beat 2 of 3? Would Last Chance Kitchen have been an exercise in futility? Well, apart from Karen coming back a few weeks ago. But she was eliminated again, so yes, maybe futility is the right word.

The next day, after Kevin gets some well-deserved rest, the now-six cheftestants head to the Top Chef Kitchen and find tipsy Padma, drunk on Champagne, lounging in airline-style seats with Jonathan Waxman. Waxman is a pioneer of California Cuisine, but Padma says his biggest achievement is being her friend. Hello, Champagne Padma! (Thank you, Stephanie, for that nickname.) This alter ego reminds me of the old Cannabis Padma--a little off. Definitely slower. Perhaps more fun. Or not. I'm not sure Padma is ever fun. (Keep in mind, Padma's Lawyers, that I am being satirical here, also, offering an opinion.) Anyhoo...the Quickfire Challenge involves making a memorable meal that might be served on an airplane. It must include salad or veg in addition to a main course. Items need to be only as tall as the service trays, as they must be able to fit in an airplane cooker.


Bryan laments that he hasn't yet won a quickfire. Maybe if he followed the rules once in a while? But he's oblivious - he's just cooking VOLT food all the time. It's as if he doesn't own other restaurants that don't serve tweezer food. He's decided to make braised chicken thighs with green lentils and a side salad with green goddess dressing. Will that be enough to win him a prize? (I can't eat lentils, not even for Bryan. If I were a judge, the answer would be...of course he wins! I am biased.)

Meanwhile, Champagne Padma offers Jonathan some nuts to nibble (not hers). She also inquires as to his favorite (probably his own).

Knives down! Padma and Jonathan stay where they are--seated, with champagne--and the cheftestants bring the food to them. Padma struggles with the parchment that Stephanie used for her rockfish en papillotte, and with cutting Malarkey's tough pork chop. Are both dishes really that difficult to deal with, or is it the champagne? Annnnd....Bryan's lentils are undercooked. Champagne Padma dings the three of for their offenses. Meanwhile, both she and Jonathan enjoyed Kevin's meatballs, though they were a bit too tall. Melissa's beef curry served with tofu salad was the biggest hit of the day, however, earning her the win and a benefit in the next challenge.

Champagne Padma then reveals the location of this season's finale: Tuscany. Only five of the six remaining cheftestants will go. Everyone wants to go. I want to go. (Maybe not right now, but someday.)  First, the Elimination Challenge, which is to create a dish inspired by the food and philosophy of Michael's Santa Monica, an iconic restaurant celebrating its 40th anniversary. Jonathan Waxman worked there, along with a pantheon of cooking greats: Roy Yamaguchi; Sang Yoon; Mark Peel. Even Top Chef winner Brooke Williamson. The cheftestants will visit the restaurant for dinner and to meet owner Michael McCarty, a pioneer of California Cuisine.

After the chefs shower and change, all six of them pile into one Sponsorship Mobile and head to the restaurant. Bryan is driving, as usual. He must enjoy sitting in traffic. Once at the restaurant, they are served some classic Michael's dishes by current chef Brian Bornemann. They include an angel hair pasta with chardonnay cream sauce and diver scallops, grilled quail, and heirloom beet risotto with monkfish wrapped in crispy prosciutto (courtesy of Brooke Williamson, who was a sous at Michael's by the tender age of 19). Then comes sweetbreads with veal loin, chanterelle mushrooms and white truffle, followed by grilled lamb saddle with potato galette and red currant cassis sauce. Finally, they get duck two ways, a grilled breast and confit thigh with wild rice and blood orange sauce. The knife block appears, and Melissa gets her advantage. She chooses the dish she wants to reinterpret first. The remaining chefs choose knives.

Melissa: quail
Kevin: duck
Stephanie: scallops
Bryan: lamb
Gregory: monkfish
Malarkey: veal

After dinner there's shopping. Back at the Top Chef Mansion, bros Kevin and Bryan chatter about being able to go to Italy together. And Malarkey facetimes his kids Sailor and Schmailor. It's their 9th birthday, and dad's a schmuck because he has to be away, feeding his enormous ego in yet another cooking competition, missing time with his family. Womp womp.

The next day, the chefs travel to Michael's and get set up in the tiny kitchen, which is apparently 80s style. It's so jam packed with pans, squeeze bottles of condiments, and other kitchen paraphernalia, it looks like my kitchen. I hope they have more counter space than I do. Everybody tells us what they're going to cook, and I groan when I hear that Malarkey is going to make a duo. Duos are pretty much the kiss of death on Top Chef, and he knows it. But he filled his shopping cart with pomegranate and other fruit that aren't going to work with truffles, and he has to use them somehow. Gregory is making a risotto, which also tends to be unpopular with the judges. Melissa is going to Asian-ify her quail, which makes sense from a culinary standpoint, and Kevin's decision to turn duck confit and wild rice into a croquette sounds amazing. Bryan is going to elevate the shit out of his lamb, because that's what he does. I can almost hear the tweezers clicking.

Jonathan Waxman joins Tom on the Sniff N Sneer. He's such a pleasant-seeming person; I always enjoy seeing him.

Out in the restaurant, the judges arrive and take their place at a long center table, with other invited foodies filling the remainder of the room. Champagne Padma is nowhere in sight. Instead we get regular Boring Padma. Will someone please bring her a bottle and a glass?

Gregory's dish comes out with Stephanie's. His monkfish and beet risotto was meant be accompanied by a crispy prosciutto chip, but he remembered them just as time was up--too late. Jonathan claims to love his interpretation, but was expecting that porky bit. Though everyone seemed to enjoy Stephanie's version of scallops and pasta, served with fancy little caramelle, Roy Yamaguchi opined that it was one dimensional. Bryan's treatment of lamb, served with fondant potato, was simple and refined, but lacked "wow." Kevin's duck dish was a hit, especially the croquette.

Some of Malarkey's specially-plated dishes didn't make it to the judges; apparently other diners got to enjoy them. But the judges were probably full by then and were willing to share. As usual, there were too many things on his plate. His "duo" was essentially two separate and disparate dishes, ones that didn't taste good together. Finally, Melissa's quail was deemed to have highlighted the bird itself, always a plus.

Back at the kitchen, Melissa wins and is the first to reserve a seat to Tuscany. Jonathan tells Stephanie that the race was close between her dish and Melissa's, so she's going to Italy as well. And so are Bryan and Kevin, who jump up and down and embrace each other. But will it be Gregory or Malarkey getting that final plane ticket? While the judges missed Greg's crisp prosciutto and felt the fish got lost, Malarkey's dishes didn't evoke the original Michael McCarty dish. Malarkey starts a speech about being exhausted and having had a great ride. Padma wants to know if he's quitting.

He doesn't have to quit. Malarkey is out. Finally. (Not that I don't like him, I just find him annoying.)

Next week: Part one of the finale, in Italy!

* Any products in this post that are mentioned by name may have been provided to Minxeats by the manufacturer. However, all opinions belong to Minxeats. Amazon links earn me $! Please buy!

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Minxeats Best of 2014, Part 1

Every year, we recap the best things we ate in the previous twelve months. Here are some of our very favorite restaurant dishes of 2014. (Later in the week, we'll bring you our favorite home-cooked dishes.)

Tomato | tomato marmalade, tomato water gelee, tomato pulp,
blue cheese ice cream, Barden blue cheese, goat cheese foam,
and black pepper

February: Cheese Course at Wit & Wisdom progressive dessert "dinner."

April: Korean BBQ at Honey Pig.

May: Charred carrots at Gato.

Scallop in brown butter dashi at Le Bernardin.

Pork cheeks at Kin Shop.

June: Softshell crab with bacon dashi at Fork & Wrench.

July: Octopus at Cafe Gia.

August: Kimchi soba noodle salad at Corner Pantry.

September: Chilled tomatillo soup at SoBo Cafe.

Pork belly bibimbap at Meat & Potatoes.

October: Lamb kielbasa at Parts & Labor.

Halibut at Fleet Street Kitchen.

November: Pastrami-cured salmon at B&O American Brasserie.



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Top Chef New Orleans Recap

Dear Top Chef Viewers,

While I watched Top Chef along with all of you for ten seasons, you can count me out this time.

The first several seasons were enjoyable, particularly season 4, the first season I recapped here. There were a couple other fun seasons after that--season 5 with Stefan and Fabio, season 6 with the Voltaggios--but the more recent ones have left me cold. Season 9 was actually the one that broke this camel's back, with that ridiculous time-wasting two-part premiere, and the insanity of making chefs ride bicycles in the blazing heat, not to mention staying up all night to make barbecue. And then there was that stupid-ass finale involving target shooting and gondola cookery.

I watched season 10 with a bad taste in my mouth. It wasn't as ridiculously stretched-out as season 9, but it came pretty close. And the finale, with its completely revamped format, didn't seem quite fair.

And so to avoid yet more of that nonsense, I am neither watching nor recapping Top Chef season 11. Probably not any season after that, either.

Sorry, people. You are on your own.

theminx



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Next Food Network Star Season 9 Finale Recap

So. I'm not sure what to do with this episode. It was basically a boring look back at the entire season, with several montages. I watched the entire season, so I didn't need to be reminded of anything in particular - I just wanted to find out the damn winner. So should I just skip the montages and go to the winner? Or make you suffer?

Suffer it is!

The three finalists, looking all dolled-up, are driven by sponsorship mobile to the Food Network Studios at the Chelsea Market in New York. Damaris looks especially pretty tonight; the colors of her makeup and dress suit her. Rodney, in his black suit and red tie, looks like the Godfather of the Pie Style Mafia, which of course he is. Russell doesn't seem to have dressed up for the occasion, but he has shaved off his facial hair, which makes him look like he's got too much face.

Remember those people who were eliminated during the season and how happy you were that they were gone? Well, they're back, along with Bobby, Giada, Alton, Tushface, and Susie.

And a giant monitor, on which to watch the embarrassments of the season. It starts off with a montage of the Mentors.

Then we're told that there has been a lot of feedback over the season, via Twitter and e-mail and that there are some viewer questions. The first questioner is shown on the monitor asking Russell what he felt when he had to choose between his "culinary sins" and "culinary revolution" POV. Like it was some earth-shattering decision he had to make. Russell basically said he was told to choose one, he did, and, um, that's it.

Then we're subjected to the first of two different commercials for some new Kraft product that involves two sauces. Top Cheftestant and The Chew host Carla Hall and former cat food and meatball hawker Rocco DiSpirito are grossly CGI-ed as members of some mutant giant-headed Hobbit tribe that have invaded American kitchens and comment on homeowners' lame attempts at making dinner. The animation is horrible, but probably not as bad as the product they're trying to sell.

After the break, we get a focus group montage, and then one on Rodney's colorful language.

Then there's a behind-the-scenes look at the Romance movie trailer created by Damaris, Viet, and Chad.

Even Danushka gets a montage, people, that's how lame this show is.

At about the 23 minute mark, Tushface breaks the news to Russell that he has come in third place out of three. I know how that feels. Of course, then we get a Russell montage.

The next montage involves Last Chance Kitchen Star Salvation. Mercifully it is short, as was akaLovely's return appearance on the show.

Then there's a montage of the Wannabes talking smack, and yet another of the Selection Committee (who were called the Mentors the first time around).

Viet has a question for the mentors. He wants to know whether they expected more of him because he whooped Bobby's ass on Iron Chef. That's right, Viet, never let him forget it! Bobby said yes, he did expect more, perhaps unfairly, because Viet sucked on camera. Burn!

Yet another montage is shown of the Selection Committee, this time they're referred to as Mentors. Oh, they have a sense of humor!

And another montage of "fun, unpredictable moments," followed by the meat of the show: a Damaris montage...

...and another Rodney montage.

During the commercial break, the stage hands remove all of the chairs from the studio so the former-Wannabes, judges, and finalists must stand for the grand announcement. Just in case someone passes out. Drama! But, there's none. Tushface announces the winner.

Damaris.

I thought Rodney would get it, but it makes sense that Damaris won, since the network needs a new Paula Deen. I'm not saying that the network stuffed the ballot box, but maybe they did.

What do you all think? I know you Rodney haters (and you are legion) are happy. Doesn't matter to me, really, since the only time I watch the Food Network is Sunday nights. And speaking of Sunday nights - I really hated Cutthroat Kitchen. You?



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Next Food Network Star Season 9 Episode 10 Recap

I am so not into writing a recap for this episode, so this one is going to be short and sweet. Mainly short.

In this penultimate episode of Food Network Star, the final four are asked to pitch one solid concept to the Network, aka Susie Fogelson and Bob Tushface. They in turn will choose only three Wannabes to make "pilots." Damaris, Russell, Rodney, and Stacey are told to come up with two concepts to present to Bobby, Giada, and Alton, who will tell them which one sucks the most.

Stacey presents first. Concept number one involves going to restaurants, a la Restaurant Impossible, and giving one dish a makeover from vintage to modern. Her second concept involves modernizing old recipes that just don't seem to work anymore, like Jell-O salads and chicken a la king over Minute rice, I suppose. The mentors think she should combine the ideas, so that she could modernize either restaurant dishes OR recipes from home cooks.

ZZZZZZZ.

My concept for Stacey: I think she should go to restaurants that have fancy schmancy Modern American food and teach them how to make Jell-O salads (preferably green ones with canned pears) and sloppy Joes with Campbell's chicken gumbo soup.

Russell is up next. He suggests that either he go to other people's restaurants and talk about culinary sins, or have Russell's Dinner Party with Sinful Foods. (Shouldn't all proper dinner parties include bourbon, bacon fat, ice cream, and offal?) The mentors suggest that he go to restaurants and cook dishes with a sinful twist.

My concept for Russell: I kinda like the dinner party idea. But he should always have one guest that's a fussy tee-totaling vegan who is forcefed bourbon and pig tails.

Rodney wants to take restaurants' signature dishes and turn them into pie - a Throwdown Pie Style. Or he could visit famous musicians and make pie with them. The mentors suggest that he have restaurateurs dare him to make pie out of their signature dishes, which Rodney thinks is brilliant, even though it's essentially his first concept.

My concept for Rodney: I think he should go around to celebrities like Brad Pitt and George Clooney and sock them in the face with giant pies.

Finally, Damaris suggests she could do a boring cooking show on modern Southern food, or teach guys how to cook to "trap" a woman. While the mentors take umbrage to the word "trap," they prefer the second concept.

My concept for Damaris: She should wear a grey feathered wig and get her teeth replaced with giant, blindingly-white, Giada DeLaurentiis-brand false teeth and deep fry everything, including butter. Oh wait - that's been done already?

Now we basically see the same thing all over again, this time in front of Susie and Tushie. Once again, Stacey presents first. She wants to show the Selection Committe that she can make an emotional connection, so she comes out telling a sad tale about her restaurant woes. The pathetic air carries over to her pitch for "Stacey's Modern Magic." Susie tells her the maudlin attitude doesn't make her pitch appealing. So basically Stacey just pulled a Plaxico and shot herself.

Russell is reveling in his "Guilty Pleasures." He tells the judges he wants to take ordinary foods and make them sinful. Susie decides that she likes him and that she gets his concept.

Damaris has cleverly decided to title her show, "Eat, Date, Love." She manages to convince the judges that Southern food is the "food of love," and that she is going to teach hapless men how to cook for their wimmenfolk. When asked if it worked for her, she claims to have "caught and released a lot of gentlemen" in her time. (Or vice versa.)

Finally, Rodney comes out and is Pie Style all over the place. The judges don't need much convincing that he can make a pie out of anything. They find him charming and fun.

Ultimately, Stacey's pilot pitch is boring and a little pathetic, and she is sent home.

Next, the pilots get filmed. Or in the case of Rodney, the "pie-lot" is filmed. He meets Guy Fieri at Eric Greenspan's restaurant, the Foundry, where the most popular dish is a grilled cheese sandwich with Taleggio and short ribs. After Rodney takes a huge-ass bite and unsuccessfully tries to talk with his mouth full, Guy Fieri--a pro at talking with his mouth full--shows him how it's done. And then Rodney makes a pie. The result is highly entertaining. I'd watch it.

Russell goes to Bennett's Ice Cream in the LA Farmers' Market. He asks to taste the Cabernet Sauvignon sorbet, and then whips out a briefcase full of culinary sins. I *love* the conceit of the briefcase, which has been fitted to hold containers of fat, bourbon, etc. He then goes into the shop's kitchen to whip up some bacon bourbon ice cream with liquid nitrogen. I'd watch his show, too.

Finally, Damaris films her pilot with Guy. While her concept is pretty good, she's just not making any eye contact with the camera, instead concentrating on the guy she's teaching to make pork loin and sweet potato biscuits. She's also waaay too giggly. I like the idea of the show, and I like Damaris, but she'd be better off in a different format, I think. She's more interesting when she's off-the-cuff.

So, what did you think about the pilots? Which, if any, are you voting for?


Posted on Minxeats.com.

Next Food Network Star Season 9 Episode 9 Recap

After several "and then there were..."-less weeks, Alton is back with his favorite phrase. Five Wannabes left, one apparent position as Food Network "star" available (and two or three on the Cooking Channel).

This week's Mentor Challenge is basically just a 20-minute commercial for Special K. And speaking of Special K, that commercial with the dippy-looking chick who tries to avoid the cupcake-pushing giant cupcake by closing the top on her convertible while leaving the driver-side window open annoys me. He's still there, dope. He can still see you, and you can probably still smell that sweet, sweet cupcake. (The beginning part of that commercial, where the woman closes the door in the face of the young donut-selling little girl doesn't bother me at all. I hate donuts with multicolor sprinkles.)

So...on with the challenge. The Wannabes must use Special K products in a well-balanced meal. Damaris and Rodney are assigned breakfast, Nikkidinki gets lunch, and Russel and Stacey need to concoct something for dinner. They get thirty minutes to cook, and then one minute to present their dishes to Alton, judge and jury of one.

As the Wannabes cook, Alton goes around to annoy them, a la Tom Colicchio. He dings Nikkidinki for not having authority because she never asks the question, "why." I show my authority by asking that question all the time. WHY are those particular contestants left? WHY are the challenges so stupid? WHY am I watching this? (I do it for you, my loving fans.) Nikkidinki is making a salad with eggplant and Special K croutons, which makes me ask once again, WHY? Thankfully, her oil is too hot and her croutons carbonize, saving poor Alton from having to experience that particular horror.

Rodney's making - you guessed it - breakfast pie. Nobody could accuse him of being a one-trick pony. Stacey thinks she has this challenge in the bag. As a working mom, she's often exhausted coming home from the diner, and her kids have no choice but to eat a bowl of cereal for dinner.

Cooking time is up and Rodney presents his dish first. He's a bit more controlled than usual, but doesn't follow the directions completely. In the one minute presentation, each Wannabe must offer a tip, like, "Don't make your breakfast pie crust with Special K. Instead, take your kids to Denny's for pancakes," and he missed it.

Damaris has made French toast crusted with cereal. Alton doesn't think it's possible to make French toast in half an hour, but I do it all the time and it's terrific. Contrary to popular belief, bread doesn't need eight hours to soak up a couple of eggs and milk. In any case, Damaris does a good job with both her presentation and dish.

Nikkidinki has just tossed a handful of strawberry Special K on her salad and makes up her presentation as she goes along. Apparently her husband loves cereal so much, he puts it on his salad. Um, no. But Alton pretends it tastes good so she seems safe.

By the way, did you notice that Alton is wearing Viet's unlucky red pants? Or are they Chad's?

Stacey's presentation is far more natural than her norm, possibly because she didn't have much time to write a script and memorize it. Alton makes a comment about how kids would like her chicken, so I took that to mean it was too sweet.

Finally, Russell makes a decent enough dish, but Alton tells him he needs to make more "eye-love" to the camera.

Despite her sweet chicken, Alton gives Stacey the win, and an advantage in the next challenge.

They all jump into the Partridge Family Bus and head to Phil Trani's restaurant in Long Beach. It's one of those old-school continental cuisine joints that should have gone out of business twenty years ago, but according to them, it only opened twenty years ago. The place is doing so poorly that Robert Irvine has been called in to "fix" it, and the Wannabes are going to help him overhaul the menu.

Stacey's advantage in this challenge: she gets to assign dishes to her co-stars competitors.

Phil Trani comes out to meet them, along with his two managers, Amber and Ashley. They will present the dishes that need the most help.

First is chicken cacciatore with pasta, which Stacey assigns to Rodney, because it's not pie and she can't imagine that he can make pie out of it. She would be very wrong.

Tournedos of beef topped with large button mushrooms and a side of garlic mashed potatoes is foisted onto Damaris, who doesn't like steak. The Playmates helpfully offer that the potatoes are half real, half from a box. Which begs that popular question, WHY?

Stacey herself takes the crab stuffed halibut that comes with a baked potato. The Playmates don't like it because it looks like an omelette and not seafood. Boy, they'd hate all of the various crab imperial-topped dishes one finds in Baltimore. But...who cares?

Salmon-loathing Nikkidinki gets salmon with onion pepper relish and rice pilaf. Now all of the Wannabes are resenting that they became so friendly and shared their innermost thoughts with the enemy. Stacey looks sweet, but she's evil incarnate!

Finally, Russell gets a boring and underseasoned stuffed chicken breast with yet more rice pilaf. The Playmates say it's not really rice pilaf, just regular rice with stuff in it. Now that, my friends, is a culinary sin.

The contestants get one hour to cook, and then a focus group of loyal customers and first timers will taste and critique, along with Hugh and the Playmates.

When the cooking is finished, Rodney presents first. He's made chicken cacciatore pie, of course, and his flour-coated t-shirt is evidence. The pies themselves aren't that great - he deep fried them, but they are pale and the dough is undercooked - but his presentation is memorable. He tells the focus group that "Pie Style is contagious," and you know they're wondering where the closest free clinic might be.

Damaris' presentation is good - she's cute, memorable, but her dish of filet mignon with real mashed potatoes and roasted broccoli is boring and doesn't show any of her Southern charm. Where are the peaches? The bourbon? The boob shake?

Russell, by transforming his boring stuffed chicken into spinach-wrapped chicken poached in vermouth, has created the dish of the evening. He shows some confidence in his presentation and is well-liked by all.

Nikkidinki produces a perfectly-cooked salmon, but there's far too much of what she calls a rice pilaf on the plate. When quizzed about it, she says rice pilaf is just rice with stuff in it, which of course is not true. Even the Playmates can tell you that. Finally, Stacey's halibut roulade is dry and underseasoned. She spoke well, but, ironically, the Playmates thought she came off a little fake.

Back in the Temple of the Giant Glowing Vagina, Alton, Giada, and Robert Irvine compliment Russell on his dish and tell him he's safe from elimination.

They then send the other four to the green room while they discuss their fates, judging them on their performance throughout the entire competition.

I figure nobody will get eliminated this week, but it ends up being Nikkidinki, long the favorite. She's deemed not to have enough authority. Because, you know, Guy Fieri and Sandra Lee are some of the most authoritative characters on TV.

Speaking of Guy Ferry, he'll be producing the pilots that three of the Wannabes will be making next week, in the penultimate episode of the season. That's right, folks - two episodes left!



Posted on Minxeats.com.