Flashback Friday - Top Chef Bastards Part II

This post originally appeared on Minxeats.com on March 3, 2010

If you missed part one, head back to last Friday's post.

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Welcome back to Top Chef Bastards! Today, three contestants get to pack their can openers and head back to New York's Chelsea Market...wait...except for Rocco DiSpirito, who can go back to skulking down 22nd Street, cursing the day he met his good buddy mortal enemy former financier, Jeffrey Chodorow, opened a Restaurant together, and sealed his fate as whipping boy to foodies the world over, including this week's guest judge, Anthony Bourdain. And of course, theminx.

After Sandra Lee pulls a surprising win in the Quickfire Challenge, the competitors realize they have to bring their "A-Game." Even Guy leaves the flaming bowling shirt at home and breaks out the chef's whites.

Host Kelly Choi, badly in need of a cheeseburger or three, joins the competitors in the Top Chef Bastards Glad GE Swanson Quaker Oats Macy's Product Placement Kitchen and presents their next challenge.


Each of the four competitors gets fifteen minutes to plan their meal with a budget of $25, after which time they are sent off to the Wal-Mart to shop. They are also allowed to use any ingredients they find in the Swanson Quaker Oats Alexia Crunchy Snacks Chef Boy-R-Dee Product Placement Pantry. Except, of course, for anything produced by Alexia Crunchy Snacks or Chef Boy-R-Dee.

For winning the Quickfire Challenge, Sandra is awarded an advantage in this challenge: an additional $15 in spending money. Which will come in handy while picking up a little post-prandial something-something at the liquor store.

Forced to use fresh foods, Sandra is stumped. Meanwhile, Rocco has decided to go low-cal, in keeping with his new cookbook, Stuff You Can't Possibly Want to Eat.

Maybe you can use those eggplants in a Tablescape, Sandy.

Back at the Top Chef Bastards Glad GE Swanson Quaker Oats Macy's Product Placement Kitchen, the chefs scramble to assemble their meals in the allotted one hour time frame.

Eureka! Aunt Sandy gets inspired.

Looks like Rachael Ray found her garbage bowl.

In 59:59, Kelly Choi enters the kitchen with today's judges: the funny-hat-wearing Gael Greene, the still-cranky Anthony Bourdain, and the boobaceous Gail Simmons. Hands up! Knives Down!

(Oh, heh. That looks like Bourdain is stealing a glance at Gail's breasteses, doesn't it? Unintentional happy accident there.)

Time to adjourn to the Top Chef Bastards Ikea Room Store Crate & Barrel Product Placement Dining Room, hurriedly constructed in the parking lot of the Hollywood YWCA, to chow down on the competitors' offerings.

The incessantly perky Rachael Ray is up first.

"For my starter, I made a yummerific BLT Salad, smothered with chopped bacon - because I'm all about the bacon - and drenched with home-made balsamic Dijon vinaigrette with lots of EVOO..."

"My entrée is a delish Grilled Fish Sammie served with awesome waffle fries. How great is that?"

"To finish this delish meal, because I'm all about the dessert, we have healthful fresh berries with freshly whipped cream. Yum-o!"

Next up is Guy Fieri, replacing Rachael's saccharine with a touch o' douchebag.

"For my appetizer, I'm driving the bus to flavor town with my Good Karma Schwarma. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!"

"For my main dish, I made my off-the-hook Mac-Daddy Mac & Cheese. Oh, that's money."

"Finally, my Shock-o-lit Habanero Mousse. This'll put some hair on your chest! Awesome!"

A much more subdued person in the form of Rocco DiSpirito presents the next three courses.

"For our appetizer, I've prepared my low-calorie yet still awesome New England Clam Chowder with cauliflower and skim milk. You're going to love it, and it has less than 300 calories per serving."

"For your entrée, I made Flash-Fried Finger-Lickin' Chicken. Only 200 calories per serving!"

"Finally, for dessert, these are my Low-Cal Brownies - only 53 calories and I bet you'll never guess what the secret ingredient is!"

Finally, Sandra Lee presents her dishes.

"For the appetizer, my delicious Porch Swing Iced Tea..."

"...followed by my entrée, mugs of delicious Spicy Red Beer..."

"...and for dessert, my delicious Mango Margarita."

After all courses are served, the competitors are sent to the men's locker room Glad Family of Products Stew and Booze room to get stinking drunk on leftover iced tea while the judges discuss the horror they just witnessed.

Finally, the four competitors are brought in front of the judges to meet their fates. Although it worked for her in the Quickfire, Sandra's excessive use of booze may have backfired on her.

Rachael Ray was disqualified because her overly-perky yet grating personality caused each of the judges to vomit.

Rocco didn't wow the judges with his bland diet food. Who puts cauliflower in New England Clam Chowder?

Guy Fieri, despite his obnoxious over-use of catch phrases and hair gel, impressed the judges with the amount of flavor he packed into his dishes.

Looks like Guy will be competing in the finale! That's definitely crazy!

Photos of actual dishes mentioned are from foodnetwork.com and abcnews.go.com
Posted on Minxeats.com.

Flashback Friday - Bourdain in Baltimore

This post originally appeared on Minxeats.com on November 12, 2012.

Bourdain was in Baltimore on my birthday in 2012, and though I spoke to him on the phone during a conference call, I regret not going to see him in person, too.
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Photo credit: Travel Channel

So Bourdain is coming to Baltimore's Hippodrome Theater yet again (on my birthday!), this time unaccompanied by his Gallic BFF Eric Ripert. Bourdain's also hitting several other cities, including Houston, Memphis, Las Vegas, and Dayton. To commemorate the occasion, there was a grand conference call featuring journalists and food writers from those cities.

I participated, too. I hadn't intended to participate, just to listen in, but after the moderator announced the name of another local blogger who chimed in that she, too, was only listening, I realized that everyone on the line was automatically in the question queue, so I hurriedly came up with a couple of lame ones.

The first question I asked suggested that he do some shows with his wife, Ottavia, who seems like a formidable person. He could eat while she was off beating people up, that sort of thing. He stated that she had been on No Reservations a few times already, most notably in the Rio de Janeiro episode. Which of course I hadn't seen, so I suppose it made me seem a little dumb. But honestly, I can't say I've enjoyed No Reservations for several years. After a while, watching him eat and get plastered with the locals got boring. (Personally, I preferred the snark of his first global eating show, A Cook's Tour, which aired for one season on the Food Network and is finally available on DVD.)

The second question I asked pertained to Ruth Bourdain, a mash-up of Ruth Reichl and Bourdain that started as a Twitter account and has led to a book. I wanted to know if Tony (yes, I call him Tony) had any guesses as to her (his?) identity. He responded that he preferred not to think about it, because it was fun and he didn't want to spoil it. I then said he should forget that I asked, at which he chuckled.

The rest of the questions were from residents of Ohio and Texas who grilled Bourdain on whether he had been to their states and, if so, where did he eat. I had to laugh. The man has eaten raw seal with the Inuit, warthog anus in Namibia, and a still-beating cobra heart in Vietnam, and you want him to remember the name of the sushi restaurant he enjoyed somewhere near Cleveland?

Tony also mentioned that he was trying to complete another novel in 2013, for publication in 2014. (If you haven't read his novels, they are of the gritty crime fiction genre.) He's also busy with his new network, CNN, and working on a reality cooking competition for ABC which he'll be hosting with Nigella Lawson. I was happy to hear that he was currently writing, because I do think that is his true talent, but disappointed that no new food-related books were in the offing.

Another caller wanted to know what five ingredients Bourdain would torture chefs with in an appetizer basket for the show Chopped. I'm not sure he's seen the show before, because he suggests chicken, egg, blood sausage, salt, and butter. I'm sure the caller expected him to say cobra heart, warthog anus, balut, ants, and mortadella - as did I.

There was other stuff, too, like his approval of the food truck movement because it's so beneficial for under-capitalized chefs who can't afford a brick-and-mortar restaurant. He also would love to get Rick Steves and his "mom jeans" liquored up and take him to a titty bar in Bangkok. Now that would make for some fun television, but I'm sure it will never happen.

Catch Tony at the Hippodrome on Saturday, November 17th, or, for the time being, as reruns on the Travel Channel.

Posted on Minxeats.com.

Bourdain in Baltimore

Photo credit: Travel Channel

So Bourdain is coming to Baltimore's Hippodrome Theater yet again (on my birthday!), this time unaccompanied by his Gallic BFF Eric Ripert. Bourdain's also hitting several other cities, including Houston, Memphis, Las Vegas, and Dayton. To commemorate the occasion, there was a grand conference call featuring journalists and food writers from those cities.

I participated, too. I hadn't intended to participate, just to listen in, but after the moderator announced the name of another local blogger who chimed in that she, too, was only listening, I realized that everyone on the line was automatically in the question queue, so I hurriedly came up with a couple of lame ones.

The first question I asked suggested that he do some shows with his wife, Ottavia, who seems like a formidable person. He could eat while she was off beating people up, that sort of thing. He stated that she had been on No Reservations a few times already, most notably in the Rio de Janeiro episode. Which of course I hadn't seen, so I suppose it made me seem a little dumb. But honestly, I can't say I've enjoyed No Reservations for several years. After a while, watching him eat and get plastered with the locals got boring. (Personally, I preferred the snark of his first global eating show, A Cook's Tour, which aired for one season on the Food Network and is finally available on DVD.)

The second question I asked pertained to Ruth Bourdain, a mash-up of Ruth Reichl and Bourdain that started as a Twitter account and has led to a book. I wanted to know if Tony (yes, I call him Tony) had any guesses as to her (his?) identity. He responded that he preferred not to think about it, because it was fun and he didn't want to spoil it. I then said he should forget that I asked, at which he chuckled.

The rest of the questions were from residents of Ohio and Texas who grilled Bourdain on whether he had been to their states and, if so, where did he eat. I had to laugh. The man has eaten raw seal with the Inuit, warthog anus in Namibia, and a still-beating cobra heart in Vietnam, and you want him to remember the name of the sushi restaurant he enjoyed somewhere near Cleveland?

Tony also mentioned that he was trying to complete another novel in 2013, for publication in 2014. (If you haven't read his novels, they are of the gritty crime fiction genre.) He's also busy with his new network, CNN, and working on a reality cooking competition for ABC which he'll be hosting with Nigella Lawson. I was happy to hear that he was currently writing, because I do think that is his true talent, but disappointed that no new food-related books were in the offing.

Another caller wanted to know what five ingredients Bourdain would torture chefs with in an appetizer basket for the show Chopped. I'm not sure he's seen the show before, because he suggests chicken, egg, blood sausage, salt, and butter. I'm sure the caller expected him to say cobra heart, warthog anus, balut, ants, and mortadella - as did I.

There was other stuff, too, like his approval of the food truck movement because it's so beneficial for under-capitalized chefs who can't afford a brick-and-mortar restaurant. He also would love to get Rick Steves and his "mom jeans" liquored up and take him to a titty bar in Bangkok. Now that would make for some fun television, but I'm sure it will never happen.

Catch Tony at the Hippodrome on Saturday, November 17th, or, for the time being, as reruns on the Travel Channel.

Posted on Minxeats.com.

Choice Bites 7.24.2012

Taco Bell has revamped part of its menu with Chipotle-style burritos and whatnot designed by America's Next Great Restaurant and Top Chef Masters' chef Lorena Garcia. Nice try, but apparently it's not that good. Still, it's probably really tasty to those folks who routinely choose the dog food of Taco Bell over Chipotle.

Grub Street has a short but amusing interview with BFFs Tony Bourdain and Eric Ripert. Ripert has a new "show" on YouTube - watch the promo here.

Speaking of Bourdain, his wife is an animal. I wouldn't want to run into her in a well-lit alley, much less a dark one.

And speaking of animals, McDonald's employees in Paris are nuts. Beware what kind of eyeglasses you wear in their stores or you may be assaulted.

Posted on Minxeats.com.

Choice Bites 6.28.2012

On Friday, July 13th, Chick-fil-A is promising a free meal (entree/side/beverage) to anyone who comes into one of their restaurants dressed "head to hoof" as a cow. For those not bold enough to go whole cow, there's a free entree for those wearing at least a few spots. Check out cowappreciationday.com for more details.

Has Paula Deen really lost 30 pounds, or is she wearing a bigger wig?

Threadless' "Omnomnominvore" t-shirt is the cutest!

Tony Bourdain wrote a comic book--Get Jiro!--that's coming out July 3rd. Order it from Amazon, and check out a sneak peek here.

Tom Colicchio and Padma Lakshmi have been spotted in Seattle. So I guess we know where Top Chef season 10 is being filmed. That's been the general consensus

Apparently it's the in thing for chefs to design shoes. Yes, shoes. And I don't mean Mario Batali's Crocs. Mozo currently offers shoes designed by Marcus Samuelsson, Chris Cosentino, and Aaron Sanchez, and they'll soon feature a line by Cat Cora. Would you wear them? I think Sanchez' are kinda ugly in an interesting way.

Vanity Fair has a "food porn" page on their Web site featuring cell phone photos of food taken by famous chefs. Check out cool pics by David Chang, Eric Ripert, and more.

Posted on Minxeats.com.

Choice Bites 10.20.11

Playboy's got a new interview with Anthony Bourdain in which he discusses Haiti, celebrity chefs, and makes some interesting insinuations about Ronald McDonald.To save you the trouble of rifling through pages of T&A, it's also online.

Eater has another interesting interview with Christina Tosi, of Momofuku Milk Bar. Her first cookbook is coming out next week, and I, for one, am interested in getting my hands on a copy.

Guy Fieri - nice guy, or douchebag? I've always gone with the latter, and after reading this article, I stand by my opinion.

Serious Eats is a site I check literally every day. It's full of good food-related stuff. And just in time for Halloween, they have an article on pumpkin-carving. Props also to their chat board, which is full of ordinary people talking food. No elitist super-food-snobs there. ...well, not many.

Hopefully it will soon be cool enough to eat soup on a daily basis. Here are eight delicious-sounding recipes from super-chef Marcus Samuelsson. I particularly want to try the carrot with star anise.

Salon.com's short-lived food section seems to have disappeared, but Francis Lam is still cranking out some interesting stuff for Gilt Taste.

Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.

Weird/Strange/Odd Food

Andrew Zimmern recently won a James Beard award for being a "TV Food Personality." Zimmern, as you may or may not know (or care about), is the host of Bizarre Foods, on the Travel Channel. He makes his money eating weird stuff like tarantulas, dung beetles, and fermented shark. That's a little too edgy for me - I'll stick to "average" weird edibles, like scrapple and squid.

Of course, one man's weird is another man's normal, and vice versa. While I wouldn't blink at eating a nice chunk of kishka (blood sausage), someone else might get queasy at the mere thought of it. Like you random vegetarian readers. Rest assured I feel the same way about brown rice and lima beans.

I've eaten abalone, alligator, beef tendon, blood sausage, buffalo, carambola, chicken feet, crawfish, cuttlefish, dragon fruit, duck tongues, eel, foie gras, frog's legs, gjetost, goat, huitlacoche, jellyfish, kidneys, liver, octopus, ostrich, quail, rabbit, salicornia, scrapple, shark, snails, squid,

sweetbreads, turtle soup, venison, and wild boar. Pretty tame stuff compared to what Zimmern eats on a regular basis, nor is it quite like the infamous warthog anus-eating of Anthony Bourdain, but still weird to a lot of middle Americans. I haven't yet tried tripe, or Rocky Mountain oysters, but they're on the list. And the "bullwhack" from Hunan Taste is intriguing, although this Serious Eats article makes it seem like it's not worth the effort.

Ordinarily I'll try anything once. However, I'm not sure if I'd be willing to try live lobster. (Not too long ago, I wouldn't eat raw fish at all, much less raw fish that was still alive.) Other things you won't find me eating: balut, live shrimp, cockroaches and other creepy-crawlies. And lima beans. What about you? What will you never ever eat? What oddities are you willing to try?

Bourdain in Baltimore - Again

According to Suzanne Loudermilk's blog on the Baltimore Magazine site, Anthony Bourdain and his buddy Le Bernardin chef Eric Ripert will be at the Hippodrome on May 22,  I'm contemplating going - how about you? Tickets go on sale today, March 24th.

Choice Bites 10.28.09

The New York Times spent a weekend in Baltimore and says good things about Petit Louis, Carma Cafe, Woodberry Kitchen, Bonaparte Bakery, and The Brewer's Art. It also says to call Fells Point, "Fell's." I lived in FP for the first 19 years of my life and never did I hear another resident of the area call it "Fell's." It's probably the people who pronounce "Thames" as "Tems" who do that. (On that note, this isn't England, people! Otherwise we'd be saying "leftenant" instead of "lieutenant" and calling Ralph Kramden "Rafe.")

What are 10 things that Tony Bourdain and David Chang hate? Besides Guy Fieri? Read here.

Speaking of Bourdain, check out his new animated series! (Thanks Dara!)

Rachael Ray takes her pets to school.

For Gourmet fans - the November issue is out, complete with turkey recipes! This is the final issue, so make sure to pick up a copy for posterity.

Choice Bites 9.14.09

I am fascinated with and love to read about Asian food and culture. One of my favorite blogs is Eating Asia, for its gorgeous photography and interesting information about the continent and its various cultures and foodstuffs.

Photo of Cholon, Saigon's Chinatown, from EatingAsia.typepad.com.

Anthony Bourdain has stopped wearing his ever-present thumb ring; he's also lost the earring. Bourdain claims he's deFierifing himself. He quit smoking a while back - what's next? Rehab?

Speaking of rings, it's worth noting that they're notorious hiding places/vectors for bacteria and thus frowned upon in food handling. With each added ring, a cook is increasing your chances for infection exponentially. When you eat food handled by a guy with four or five rings on his fingers, it's like the gastro-intestinal version of unprotected group sex: each added protuberance makes it that much more likely you're picking up something -- really nasty. You might consider that next time Guy Fieri makes you an order of wasabi meatballs.

Ugh. Now quick - to get rid of the thought of Guy Fieri and his balls, check out this cute stop-motion video about chocolate.

And now, back to Guy Fieri. It's even worse than balls.

How well do you know your cheeses? Or your fonts? Time to play "Cheese or Font!"

Chef Rocco DiSpirito is writing his latest cookbook with suggestions from his fans on Facebook and Twitter. Hunh. He still won't accept my friend request. Wonder why?

Julie & Julia Premiere

I never read Julie Powell's Julie/Julia project. Well, I tried to, but was instantly bored. She's not the most entertaining writer in the world, and it pissed me off that she got a book deal out of something that was so clearly a gimmick designed to do just that. I much prefer the bloggy stylings of Carol Blymire, currently working her way through the Alinea cookbook after having cooked everything in the French Laundry cookbook. Carol is a seriously good writer. Funny as heck. I feel like I know her. And it bites that she'll never have a movie made about her because she was the second person to cook her way through the books produced by some major culinary minds.

Anyhoo, I may or may not see this movie. I love Meryl Streep, and Amy Adams doesn't annoy me. Other foodie types attended the recent premiere, including Tony Bourdain, shown here with his lovely wife Ottavia.

You have to read about his encounter with pure evil at the Julie & Julia after party. The evil otherwise known as...

Sandra Lee!

Rachael Ray was there too, showing off the sides of her boobs. Ick.

As were original Top Chef hostess-bot Katie Lee Joel...

...and current Top Chef Masters hostess Kelly Choi. Ms Choi is really strikingly pretty. I met her in person outside of Cipriani after The Fashion Show finale taping. She's very tall (5'10") and even skinnier in person than on TV. She was wearing jeans and her ass was like 8" wide. I can imagine she's not a big fan of the cheeseburger....