Flashback Friday - Minx Answers Your Questions

This post originally appeared on Minxeats.com on June 29, 2011.

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I've noticed that search engines lead many people to this site as an answer to a specific question. The most popular query, hands down, is "Is Fabio Viviani married?" I'm not sure why so many people need to know the answer, but it is "no, not currently." (He does, however, have a girlfriend.)

Here are some other questions I can answer. If you have questions for theminx, send them to me via e-mail and I'll do my best with them.

Where can I buy Nzorbit M tapioca maltodextrin?
There are a couple of outlets on the Internet that sell Tapioca Maltodextrin. Willpowder and L'Epicerie are two good ones, and both carry other tools for "molecular gastronomy" or whatever the kids are calling it today.

Are chia seeds more beneficial crushed?
More beneficial, no, but their crunchy texture is minimized by a spin through a coffee grinder or mini-prep. Otherwise, they've a texture reminiscent of poppy seeds, which might not be desired in something like a chicken burger.

And that there is the answer to "What can I add to extra lean hamburger for moisture?"

Does honey attract flies?
You had to look that up on the Internet? Really? Really? Basically anything that emits an odor attracts flies: decomposing bodies; feces; your perfume; your toothbrush; food. Honey falls into that last category, and sweet things are especially tempting to the type of flies known as fruit flies. So the answer is, "yes."

Where can I find recipe for Rocco's chicken salad made with yogurt?
I've seen a couple variations on this query, plus someone came right out and asked the Rocco's Dinner Party Facebook page where the recipe could be found in his cookbook. Guess people weren't paying attention to the show because they were too busy being blinded by the awesomeness that is Rocco DiSpirito, but the recipe was created by Chef Ryan Poli, a competitor on the reality show. If anyone would like Poli's recipe for his Chicken Salad, Celery, Herbs, Non-fat Yogurt, Lemon Zest, it can be found here.

Is Penny [Davidi, Food Network Star] an embarrassment for Middle Easterners?
What a question! I doubt the answer can be found on Minxeats, since we're not Middle Eastern, but she seemed to make really good food every week, which should count for something, eh? However, her caustic behavior should be embarrassing to her own self, which I guess would make the answer to this question, "yes."

Who will win the Next Food Network Star 2011?
Fortunately, or unfortunately, I am not psychic. And as far as I know, no sloppy Food Network intern has yet spilled the beans to the media. You'll just have to suffer for another 3 weeks just like the rest of us.

Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.

Some Thoughts on Rocco's Dinner Party

While at times I enjoyed watching Rocco's Dinner Party, there were many occasions when I found myself watching the clock, instead. Overall, the show was a good idea, with fine production values (although that loft set was plug-ugly), but the repetitiveness grew tiresome after several weeks.

Should the powers that be at Bravo decide that Rocco's Dinner Party deserves a second season, I have some suggestions to improve the show.

1. Ten episodes is far too many; six or eight would be plenty.
2. Part of the reason that ten shows were too many is that the first 20 minutes of every episode was essentially the same. Rocco even said the same things ("you on a plate," "I can learn a lot about you from this plate," etc.) every week. While the Signature Dish challenge seems like it's an important part of the show, I think it can be dispensed with, by...
   
3. ...having only two chefs compete each week. Assign the theme right away and let them cook. However....
4. ...scenes in the kitchen should take up only half of the show. Spend the rest of the time in the dining room, with the guests. Presumably, they are interesting people with interesting things to say. If not, don't invite them to participate. That brings me to number 5...
5. Invite interesting guests. The general viewing public (like me, for instance) doesn't care about furniture salesmen or New York celebrities. If you must include relative nobodies, then at least make them Bravolebrities. Face it - most viewers will probably also be watching other shows on Bravo and be familiar with their casts. A couple of Top Chefs, Kathy Griffin, Jeff Lewis, that loudmouth Matchmaker chick, and a "prostitution who-ah" or two would spice things up considerably. Not to mention well-known actors and singers.
6. Tell Rocco to be less imperious. If he's such a great and powerful chef, why the hell isn't he in the kitchen? 

My favorite suggestion, which would cause viewership and ratings to sky-rocket, isn't possibly do-able - at least not in this imperfect world. It was suggested to me by Samantha Bee, who used it as a joke toward the end of her episode:

      7.  Put the losing chef in cement overshoes and toss him in the East River.

Hey Bravo - are you listening?

Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.

Rocco's Dinner Party, Season 1 Finale Recap

I'm sorry, @RoccoDispirito, I did not watch your Dinner Party this week. Yes, I realize that Liza Minnelli and Friends were probably your most interesting guests of the entire series, but I had good reasons for missing this episode.

1. I had a brain-scrambling sinus headache;
2. It was a 90-minute episode. It's a rare occasion when this gal stays up past 11 o'clock on a school night. So rare it happens only once a year - New Year's Eve. And that's only because I enjoy guzzling half a bottle of champagne while watching Kathy Griffin threaten to out Anderson Cooper every five minutes. That, my friends, is entertainment.

Not that I didn't make a valiant attempt to watch. It wasn't until after the first 22 minutes that I succumbed to my pain and dragged myself to bed, which, conveniently, was just enough time for me to find out which two of this week's three chefpetitors was going on to cook for Liza Minnelli's Birthday Party. So I figured - I'll still do a recap. I'll just make shit up. Lord knows it'll be far more entertaining than my last nine recaps have been!

So, shall we begin?

This week's chefpetitors all came from varied work backgrounds. First we see former truck driver and current restaurant owner Antonio Bettencourt enter Rocco's fake loft kitchen. Behind him coming up the steps and no doubt checking out his ass is current lead soprano for the New York Grand Opera, Lucia Palmieri, who worked as a chef once upon a time. Immediately upon entering the kitchen, Lucia starts hitting on Antonio, who, I gotta admit, is pretty cute. He reminds me of Andrew Ridgeley from Wham!, with a little bit of Adrian Zmed. (I'm really dating myself here, aren't I?) Unfortunately for Lucia, he's happily married. Or so he says.

And, finally, in glides caterer Frank Piccone, once a personal trainer. Notice that I said their work backgrounds are varied. Every single fucking one of them is Italian, which seems to be true of 80% of all chefs appearing on this show. Doesn't any other nationality in the Tri-State area know how to cook? Frank (while I'm old...Mr Minx is even older; he thinks Frank looks like a young Phil Silvers) also claims to be single, but that's only because they hadn't yet passed the gay marriage bill in NY at the time of filming. It's pretty obvious that the man is as queer as a three-dollar bill.

What is it exactly that makes a three-dollar bill queer? Is it because it doesn't exist? If it did exist, would it be printed in glitter ink? Who would be on the front?

After introductions, the three chefpetitors scurry about in the kitchen, making their Signature Dishes for Rocco, who of course has to come in and poke around their ingredients, belittle their technique, and generally act like a pain in the ass. The usual. After the requisite thirty minutes of cooking, they present their dishes at the Altar of Judgement.

Lucia has made chicken Francese with rapini. It's a dish found in any old-fashioned Italian restaurant in the country, but she says none will taste like hers. Rocco eyeballs the dish - which looks like a big old pile of cat barf - looks skeptical, and takes a bite. And then another. He loves it! Hey Rocco!

On to Frank, who's made quinoa pasta with various shellfish. In the process of chopping onions for his sauce, he lopped off the top of his thumb, thereby enriching the dish with a little blood. Rocco goes on a bit about how "kinwah" (it's KEEN-wah, dummy) is hard to take for some people, blah blah this dish is going to suck...wait.... YUMMY!

Finally, Rocco checks out Tony's red snapper (no, that's not a euphemism) with spicy grapefruit, fennel, crispy Prosciutto di Parma and olive tapenade.

Despite the defiled Prosciutto, he loves Tony's dish, too.

You can tell that Rocco is disappointed that he can't find anything truly bitchy to say, and that makes it especially difficult to choose one person to go home. At this point, I'm thinking that since it's a 90 minute episode, all three will be cooking. But I'm wrong - Rocco sends the three of them back to the kitchen to cook him a perfect steak. In five minutes.

Six minutes later, Lucia presents him with steak she's hacked into bits in order to facilitate cooking. Frank gives him a bloody-looking plate with steak in a wine sauce. And Tony presents a perfectly-seared steak topped with a lovely reduced sauce. Well, it looks perfect, but on the inside, it's still mooing. That makes Rocco's job so much easier - bye bye Cute Italian! The show will go on with only the Fat Italian and the Gay Italian.

Frank gets the overall win, and this is where I go to bed, folks.

:::::beginning fantasy sequence:::::

Rocco then tells Lucia and Frank that the party they are catering just so happens to be for Liza Minnelli's 65th birthday! Wait - what? Liza celebrates her Age of Social Security with a party for only six guests, four of whom she probably doesn't even know, and taking place on a television set for a show that only eight people will be watching? This is Liza Fucking Minnelli. Doesn't she deserve better than that?

As a fellow performer, Lucia is ecstatic. And it goes without saying that Frank is over the moon.

When they meet with Jes Forehead, Frank tells her he wants to drape the walls of the Formal Dining Room with stage curtains and install a giant neon sign that reads "Kit Kat Club" on one side. Lucia is a bit star struck and decides to decorate the Terrace Dining Room with Liza memorabilia as an homage to her career.

While shopping, Frank tells us that since he's doing a Cabaret theme, he's serving German food. His amuse will be a currywurst slider, followed by "liverwurst paté with toasted pumpernickel croûtes." The main course will include "knackwurst with a sauerkraut and mustard purée," and, for dessert, "krapfen (donuts) filled with thick white cream."

Lucia is sticking with Italian food one can find in any old-fashioned Italian restaurant. She's starting off with an antipasti plate, followed by a pasta course of linguine with clam sauce, veal saltimbocca, and tiramisu.

Back at Rocco's fake loft, both chefs get to work on their dishes. Lucia spends a lot of time singing opera, much to Frank's chagrin. When he complains, she starts belting out "Maybe This Time" in an operatic voice and Frank finds himself joining in. At this point, Rocco comes in to sneer at their menus. He seems baffled at Frank's choice of pork for every course, but Frank reassures him that he "knows how to handle sausage." Rocco then goes over to sniff and prod at Lucia's ingredients. Realizing that maybe he's single, Lucia starts peppering Rocco with questions about his personal life. Prudently, he reveals only that he's not involved with anyone, and that he lives alone with his four cats, "Fluffy, Jeffrey, Zsa Zsa, and Mrs Tinkles."

Soon, the guests arrive, and for once it's a collection of real star power. First we see comedian/actress Sandra Bernhard, followed by fashion designer Kenneth Cole, and actor Alan Cumming. Composer Marvin Hamlisch shows up next, and finally Liza arrives with her BFF Sam Harris. Yes, that Sam Harris, from Star Search. Gotta say - love him. Not that his music turns me on or anything; I think he's a fine comic actor, and I was crushed when The Class was cancelled. He was brilliant as Perry Pearl.

Wait - this is supposed to be all about Liza, right? Hey, she looks great for 75! What? She's only 65? Hmm...maybe not as great as I originally thought.

After a couple three cocktails, the group heads into the Terrace Room to partake of Lucia's "Liza is Italian" theme. Liza is a bit creeped out at the sheer magnitude of Liza-related stuff that's decorating the walls and tabletops, particularly the life-sized wax figure of her that Jes Forehead borrowed from Madame Tussaud's in Times Square. Liza serves her dishes, which go largely unnoticed as Liza holds court.

There are no complaints, except from Alan Cumming, who was disappointed in the lack of Scottish fare.

On to Frank's party, where the dark damask curtains bear a subtle swastika pattern, and the neon lights give the room a seedy glow. Liza's place at the table is marked by a bowler hat, which she gamely puts on as she turns her chair around and sits backward. Sandra Bernhard is offended by the decor and refuses to enter the room at all, preferring to take her meal in the corridor between sets.

Frank's sausagefest is served, and this time, Alan Cumming is thrilled. While he was hoping for haggis (which is like a sausage, right? a big, bloated, Ron Jeremy-esque sausage) he was more than happy with the big and juicy knackwurst.

Sandra Bernhard shouts from the hallway that she has suddenly developed a dietary restriction and needs Frank to make her a cheeseburger, which he does, using extra bratwurst that he removes from its casing. Shh...don't tell her that.

After all courses have been served, Rocco goes to the kitchen to reveal the winning chef. And the winner is....

Frank! While his decor was creepy, everyone agreed that the man really knows how to handle a sausage. He then took the opportunity to entertain the party guests with a medley of tunes from Cabaret, with accompaniment by Alan Cumming and Liza herself.

And a good time was had by all.

::::::::::ending fantasy sequence:::::::::

Especially us, now that Rocco's Dinner Party is officially over. I'm betting it won't be back. But if it is, I have some suggestions....

Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.

Rocco's Dinner Party, Episode 9 Recap

Another recap short on images, I'm afraid, because the Bravo Internmonkeys have not yet put up any show shots for the episode. I can't even find them in the supersecret place they're usually hidden. [3:37PM 8/11/11 ETA: the photos are up, but none of them inspired me to be funny.]

I'll just do the best I can, under the circumstances, because I care so very much about the three of you who are reading this!

This week's chefpetitors are Caterer Vicki Ferentinos, food truck chef Chris Thompson, and home cook Yuki Tsutsui who has a day job in finance. Right off the bat I have an intense dislike for the balding, bearded, blowhard Chris as he follows his belly into the kitchen. He reminds me - as most balding, bearded men with big bellies do - of the hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband of a dear friend of mine. Thank jebus he wasn't also peppered with moles, too, because I would have turned off the television right then and there and scrubbed out my eyes with Clorox.

Anyhoo, Blowhard is a bit full of himelf because he has formal culinary training, while the other two do not. He's pretty sure that they will be washing his dishes at the end of the day. Personally, I want to see his doppelganger scrubbing toilets with his tongue....

Let it go! He's gone! :::deep cleansing breaths:::: Ok. I'm good. Back to the recap.

For the Signature Dish Challenge, the Blowhard is making a very ambitious and schmancy dish of pancakes, foie gras, quail eggs, serrano ham, and a blueberry gastrique. Rocco comes in and inspects all of the various elements, smells the foie gras and makes the comment, "this has some age on it."

Blowhard had to bring foie to New York City from Minneapolis? Certainly the stuff started out somewhere just north of NY, in the Hudson Valley? Couldn't he have picked some up at Dean & Deluca or Citarella? Fouchon?

Rocco then goes on to plague Vicki - who is making a buttermilk-fried chicken salad with corn and peppers - and makes yucky faces at the idea of maple mayonnaise. Last but not least,  he visits with the Venezuelan-raised but otherwise Japanese Yuki, who is whipping up a "Japazuelan" fish taco by sandwiching cod in a freshly-made arepa. And theminx is drooling at the thought of both of the ladies' dishes.

At the Altar of Judgement, Rocco seems much more playful than douchey this week. As he critiques the dishes, he has a smile on his face and an almost benevolent twinkle in his eye. He's probably practicing for his next big career-breaking gig - Santa Claus at Short Hills Mall.

That doesn't, however, explain what, to me, seems to be an astonishing amount of oddly-colored pancake make-up on his face. Not quite Michael Kors territory, but almost. The Bravo Internmonkeys must have been in charge of make-up that day.

Rocco first tastes Vicki's salad and tells her that it's too sweet...but also extremely delicious. Blowhard's plate, which looks like a crime scene to me, contains a well-balanced combination of ingredients, except for the blueberry gastrique, which is extremely sour. So sour, Rocco makes a face like the ones babies make when eating citrus for the first time. Only not cute.

And finally Yuki, who has presented her taco in a glass, is told that while it has great flavor, she could have arranged the elements of the dish better within the arepa, so that the diner could get a bite of both the fish and the tomatillo salsa at the same time. For this amateur mistake, Yuki gets to sit out the rest of this episode.

A shame the rest of us can't.

Vicki is declared the winner. Rocco then tells Blowhard and Vicki that the theme this week is "perfect pairings." The guests will be three couples, one of which is celebrating a 10th anniversary. The chefpetitors are expected to create dishes that include perfect pairings - elements that are wonderful on their own, but even better when eaten with an accompaniment. He then calls out Jes Forehead to help the chefs with decor. After they air-kiss, Jes makes some sort of awkward joke about her and Rocco being a "perfect pair," which makes him cringe. He always seems to cringe a bit when she comes out, so I'm guessing she's a flirt, and he's not interested.

Sometimes I have to wonder if he's a "confirmed bachelor." (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

Vicki goes off with Jes first to talk about how she wants to redecorate the Formal Dining Room. Basically she wants it to look like a giant unmade bed. Blowhard, who takes the Terrace Dining Room, wants a country wedding/Nantucket picnic-y kind of vibe.

Shopping comes next, and while at the store, we learn that Vicki is making a carrot ginger soup with coconut shrimp, lamb chops and vegetable risotto, and pumpkin donuts with a warm vanilla custard. Blowhard is biting off more than he can chew by making a super-schmancy tuna poké with mango purée paired with poached lobster and celery root purée, followed by beef short ribs with soupe à l'oignon, and a dessert duo of crème brulée and pot de crème. (I don't think I've ever before typed a sentence in English that contained so many accents.)

The guests arrive and they are: Barney's Creative Ambassador Simon Doonan and his partner of 16 years, designer Jonathan Adler; cheese expert Tia Keenan and her fiancé, wine expert, Hristo Zisovski; and the Daily Show's Samantha Bee and Jason Jones, who are celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary.

Rocco takes the comedians into the kitchen to meet the chefs. They make up some story about being in Cuba and eating lobster that had been "squirted with a magic juice." Hmmm...Castro jizz? Rocco then coerces them to request a special Cuban-inspired additional course to throw the chefpetitors off-track. Rocco then drops the bombshell that one guest has a shellfish allergy, and another does not eat red meat.

Vicki serves first. She's been paying attention and presents a mini grilled cheese sandwich for the shellfish-allergic Tia, but everyone else gets coconut shrimp along with their carrot ginger soup. After that well-received dish, Vicki serves a deconstructed Cubano sandwich that's so delicious, even Rocco swoons. Then comes unfortunately overcooked lamb with risotto, and specially-prepared shrimp for non-red-meat eater Simon. Then the guests get pumpkin donuts and vanilla custard. The guests debate such important world-changing questions as: Is it a donut or a beignet? And is the sauce actually a custard? (because Vicki couldn't find cornstarch and used Wondra instead) The general consensus seemed to be: It tastes great so who cares? Finally, as a special touch, Vicki presents the guests with freshly baked lemon scones and jars of "orgasmic" home-made berry jam for the next morning, although several of them dig in right then and there.

Over to the Blowhard's party, where, delightfully, we see him struggling to get his first course out to the diners. He had not taken into account that his dish of accented és has far too many steps for an hour-long party. At the half hour mark, Rocco has to stomp into the kitchen to attempt intimidation. Eventually, the dish comes out, but without a lobster substitution for Tia. While the dish is mostly good, Jason remarks that it seems like a dish from a great restaurant but made by the lunch chef. Oooooohh! Next come the short ribs, which are so delicious that even Simon Doonan ate his portion. He kinda had to, otherwise he'd be sitting there twiddling his thumbs since Blowhard forgot about his dietary restriction. Then came the Cuban-inspired dish of chicken with a green sauce, which everyone adored, followed by the delicious duo of desserts.

Rocco excuses himself to pick a winner. And then he goes to the kitchen.

...and comes back with a bottle of champagne and...Vicki! While Blowhard's food was obviously very tasty, it must have been Vicki's conscientiousness about dietary restrictions that earned her the win. And after Mr Obnoxious won last week, I was certainly glad to see this week's finale take a different turn.

Next week - a 90 minute finale celebrating the 65th birthday of Liza Minnelli. You might only get 2/3 of a recap, because I doubt I can keep from falling asleep after the first 60 minutes.

Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.

Rocco's Dinner Party, Episode 8 Recap

Ok, so this week we might be a little short on images, because I had a hard time finding the "show shots" on the Bravo site, and by the time I did, I didn't feel like messing with them.

First we meet the chefs, the full-of-himself Bill Haley, who's a sous chef at the Plaza Food Court. He thinks he's got it all - everything except modesty. Then there's caterer Sharon Robustelli, who changed careers after her daughter was born. And Frank Otte, Jr., who likes to think of himself as an "executive" private chef because, as he tells Rocco, he doesn't make hamburgers and hot dogs for families. No, instead, he makes an ass of himself on national television. And I know it's not nice to make fun of people because of their looks, but Frank is such a douchebag that I think it's completely warranted. I've never been so repelled by dimples before. I can't help but think of Bat Boy.

Anyhoo...they cook and serve their signature dishes to Rocco at the Altar of Judgement. Bill presents a rack of lamb that he's trimmed to a fare-thee-well. Rocco wants fat, because fat is good (don't tell that to the slobbering fangirls who bought his diet books!), but there is no fat on the meat. But...Rocco seems to like the dish just fine otherwise. Frank made a prosciutto-wrapped halibut with creamy sauerkraut and tiny potato "pearls" that are a tad underdone. He thinks they're perfect and doesn't back down when Rocco calls him on it. Rocco says he likes his dish but not his attitude. It's terrible to get out-douched!

Sharon made a espresso-coated steak that Rocco appreciates for its lack of burnt coffee flavor. Because, creep that he is, he expected it to taste bad.

In the end, Rocco sends Bill home. Good-looking just doesn't cut it in the big world.

This week's theme is fashion, and Rocco expects Frank and Sharon to create both ready-to-wear and couture versions of each course they present. The fashion theme makes Sharon happy, but is a bit intimidating for Frank. He tells Jes Forehead that he wants his dining room to be a reflection of his wife, who has good taste. After all, she married him. Poor girl must be deaf, dumb, and blind. I know I'd want to be if I had to look at those sinister dimples every day.

While the contestants are shopping, we get a voice-over explaining the meals they plan to cook. At this point, we find that Bat Boy is not only the King of Douches but also that he has serious issues with pronunciation. First he says he's going to make a duo of Caesar salads that are "a jux-tah-POZ." For his second course, he's making a steak FRIT and a filet of steak. Then will come an apple crumble and an apple tart with cinnamon ASS cream. (Ok, so I added that last part.)

Sharon, who is much MUCH more likable, is doing a first course of potatoes gratin paired with creme fraiche-and-caviar-stuffed mini potatoes. For her entree, she's making tuna salad and sesame-crusted seared tuna, and for dessert, smores and a chocolate ganache pot de creme. Her dishes sound so...pedestrian, no?

Back in the kitchen, Frank does his best to belittle Sharon. He says that he's got to step up his attitude, smile more, and act more like a housewife. Sharon comes right out and calls a spade a spade. Or in this case, a douche a douche.

The guests arrive: Dinner Party Download duo Brendan Newham and Rico Gagliano; fashion personality/journalist Katrina Szish; actress Nikki Blonsky; fashion designer Nicole Miller; and Bravolebrity Kara Janx. Kara has just appeared in another reality show called All On the Line with Joe Zee from Elle Magazine, so she must need cash or something. She probably thought, "while I'm whoring myself on yet another reality show, I might as well see what else is out there," so she called Bravo. Here's how I think that conversation went down.

Kara: Do you have any shows I could appear in? Fashion-y things. I hear Chris March got his own show.
Bravo: Chris March is gay, so he's interesting. But we do need guests for a show called Rocco's Dinner Party.
Kara: Rocco who? Madonna's son?
Bravo: No, no. Rocco DiSpirito. He's a formerly-brilliant chef who's hawking diet food cookbooks now.
Kara: Never heard of him.
Bravo: ....
Kara: Will I get paid?
Bravo: You'll get dinner and $150 in merchandise from the Bravo store.
Kara: I'll do it.

Rocco takes Nicole Miller into the kitchen where they talk about the "first look" setting the tone for a whole fashion show. Which brings us to this week's twist - create a "first look" dish that will show the diners what to expect for the rest of the meal. Sharon doesn't really have extra food, so she decides to use some of her tuna in a tartare. Frank, however, bought too much and has a gaggle of poussins in the fridge to use for his "amuse BUSH."

Sharon is presenting her meal first and she admits that she has timing issues. She starts off with her tartare served in Chinese soup spoons with a bit of Parmesan crisp. The guests aren't all that impressed with such a mundane starter, although Brendan seems to really get into that Parmesan crisp, thinking it's a potato chip. Next, Sharon sends out her duo of potatoes, the RTW gratin and the couture version with caviar. The diners go wild for the caviar so Rocco goes back into the kitchen for the whole tin and a spoon. When he comes back, he puts a big dollop on every plate. Not sure if it's to be over-the-top, or to kill the taste of the potato....

Meanwhile Nicole Miller is going on about how her son ate caviar out of the tin at the age of 3, and how a friend of hers makes pizza with caviar on top, etc. Yes, we get it. You're rich and privileged. STFU.

Forty-four minutes into Sharon's party and there are two courses yet to be served, so Rocco stomps into the kitchen. Sharon is still chopping her tuna for the salad and Rocco reminds her that she is running out of time. Eventually the tuna dishes hit their plates and the guests all love her RTW tuna salad. Because the clock is ticking, she has to make a service faux pas by sending the dessert out while the entrees are still on the table. It's still too late: Rocco calls time and her minty s'mores must be eaten en route to the other dining room.

On to Bat Boy's party. He sends out a roasted poussin breast that the guests love, followed by his Caesar salad two ways. While Katrina seems intimidated by the white anchovy on the couture salad, she eats it and loves it. Otherwise, Nicole Miller says the salad is overdressed. Plus there's no caviar on it so why bother?

During dinner conversation, Nikki Blonsky announces that she loves fashion and Project Runway and that Kara Janx was her favorite competitor on that show. Tell that to poor Malan Breton, who thinks HE was her favorite.

Next Bat Boy serves his duo of steak in two huge portions. The waiters present both ketchup and bernaise sauce to the guests, which is a nice touch. Not a nice touch is the puddle of overly-pungent bleu cheese sauce on the couture plate, which makes Rocco cringe each time he tastes it. And finally, the desserts: the guests devour the couture tart with ice cream and ignore the crumble. Nicole says it's dry, with undercooked apples. And no caviar!

And at that, it's time for Rocco to make his decision. He doesn't even ask the guests which they prefer. I hoped that Sharon would get the win because Bat Boy was so damn obnoxious, but I think her timing skills really did her wrong. Also, her dishes seemed so simplistic - come on - tuna salad? Even if it was the diners' favorite dish, it was not dinner party fare. And so Frank, with his overwhelming bleu cheese sauce and dry apple crumble, was awarded $20,000, sending the message that sometimes it's good to be a douchebag.

Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.

Minx Answers Your Questions

I've noticed that search engines lead many people to this site as an answer to a specific question. The most popular query, hands down, is "Is Fabio Viviani married?" I'm not sure why so many people need to know the answer, but it is "no, not currently." (He does, however, have a girlfriend.)

Here are some other questions I can answer. If you have questions for theminx, send them to me via e-mail and I'll do my best with them.

Where can I buy Nzorbit M tapioca maltodextrin?
There are a couple of outlets on the Internet that sell Tapioca Maltodextrin. Willpowder and L'Epicerie are two good ones, and both carry other tools for "molecular gastronomy" or whatever the kids are calling it today. If you just want a sample to play with, you can order it from National Starch.

Are chia seeds more beneficial crushed?
More beneficial, no, but their crunchy texture is minimized by a spin through a coffee grinder or mini-prep. Otherwise, they've a texture reminiscent of poppy seeds, which might not be desired in something like a chicken burger.

And that there is the answer to "What can I add to extra lean hamburger for moisture?"

Does honey attract flies?
You had to look that up on the Internet? Really? Really? Basically anything that emits an odor attracts flies: decomposing bodies; feces; your perfume; your toothbrush; food. Honey falls into that last category, and sweet things are especially tempting to the type of flies known as fruit flies. So the answer is, "yes."

Where can I find recipe for Rocco's chicken salad made with yogurt?
I've seen a couple variations on this query, plus someone came right out and asked the Rocco's Dinner Party Facebook page where the recipe could be found in his cookbook. Guess people weren't paying attention to the show because they were too busy being blinded by the awesomeness that is Rocco DiSpirito, but the recipe was created by Chef Ryan Poli, a competitor on the reality show. If anyone would like Poli's recipe for his Chicken Salad, Celery, Herbs, Non-fat Yogurt, Lemon Zest, it can be found here.

Is Penny [Davidi, Food Network Star] an embarrassment for Middle Easterners?
What a question! I doubt the answer can be found on Minxeats, since we're not Middle Eastern, but she seemed to make really good food every week, which should count for something, eh? However, her caustic behavior should be embarrassing to her own self, which I guess would make the answer to this question, "yes."

Who will win the Next Food Network Star 2011?
Fortunately, or unfortunately, I am not psychic. And as far as I know, no sloppy Food Network intern has yet spilled the beans to the media. You'll just have to suffer for another 3 weeks just like the rest of us.

Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.

Rocco's Dinner Party, Episode 7 Recap

First off, I want to say that I got a kick out of the gazillion hits the Episode 6 recap received in about a five minute period last night. Apparently a bunch of haters lovely folks from the Philadelphia/South Jersey area found my link on Facebook and came here to leave hate mail love letters in the comments. The more hits on the blog, the more $$$ I make from my ad provider, so keep 'em coming!

This week, our three competitors are Kevin Gaudreau, a corporate chef for The Pier Restaurant in Rhode Island and a former Marine, Janet Kim, a chef at Gordon Ramsay at the London, and Chris Colcagno, the executive chef at Cafe Amici somewhere in New Jersey. All three are self-taught, with no formal culinary education. That said, they all seem extremely competent, which makes the show a bit harder to recap in a humorous manner.

For their Signature Dishes, Kevin - who tells us that the restaurants under his purview have been run like machines - is making a version of shrimp and grits with leeks. Chris, who is cocky as all get out, is doing a blackened mahi-mahi with a sweet corn mash and spinach. And Janet, who is Korean, is doing a fancy deconstructed dish of spicy Korean pork belly in a crepe served with three kinds of kimchi.

While Rocco noses around the kitchen, he notes that Chris is making a beurre blanc and obnoxiously starts to quiz him on technique. Cocky Chris is sure his dish will be perfect, that is, until he ladles the sauce onto his plate and finds that it has broken.

At the Altar of Judgement, Rocco gives him the old "I told you so" face and tells him that while his sauce is a complete and utter fail, his fish was almost perfectly cooked and his corn was tasty. On to Janet, whose twee tweezer-applied bits and pieces of kimchi cause Rocco to cry out in pain over the loss of texture that a good kimchi would otherwise provide. Lucky for her, her pork belly was exquisite. Finally, Rocco tells Kevin that his dish looks mass-produced but tastes great.

Because a broken beurre blanc is such a rookie mistake, Chris is out and Janet and Kevin get to go on to the dinner party. This week's theme is "Gastropub," which sounds like it could be a lot of fun.

Jes Forehead comes out and she and Rocco do the pretend kiss thing they do every week. This time, it looks like Jes lands on on his cheek, and he, though contorting his mouth into fish lips, seems more like he's trying to avoid touching her with them. He's clearly afraid of The Forehead.

Kevin is the ultimate winner of the challenge and therefore he gets to choose his room first. He goes for the formal dining room, which he wants to make somewhat rustic. Janet wants her room to be a real explosion of Anglophilia, something she describes as a "cross between Sid Vicious and Vivienne Westwood." As an Anglophile, Janet should have known that Sid Vicious and the rest of the Sex Pistols - and indeed every "punk" who came afterwards - owes their entire look to Westwood. She is literally the Grandmother of Punk.

Next comes shopping. While at Garden of Eden, Kevin tells us he's making a pea soup, fish and chips, lobster pot pie, lamb tenderloin, liver and onions, and a chocolate banana bread pudding. Janet is making an equally ambitious menu of bacon chili crisps, Pimm's and lemonade beet salad, bone marrow with Stilton, beer brisket with Yorkshire pudding, and finishing up with a rose mascarpone "cloud."

Rocco stops into the kitchen to tell the chefs that there is one annoying diner who has dietary restrictions and will eat no beef, pork, or organ meats. The chefs immediately scurry to make substitutions.

The guests for this week's dinner are food writer Amanda Hesser, actor Christopher McDonald (who's wearing an astonishing amount of pancake makeup), chef Ken Oringer, So You Think You Can Dance presenter Cat Deeley, Frank Carfaro of home furnishings company DESIRON, and actress Raven Symoné. Funny, I never noticed the "é" at the end of her name before. I gotta wonder why some folks use accents (or in the case of the stupid - apostrophes) and yet mispronounce them. Her name should be pronounced "sy-mo-NAY" not "sy-MOAN."

Janet serves first. For the non-pork eater, she makes malt vinegar-flavored crisps (potato chips) while the rest of the group gets a batch flavored with bacon powder (made with tapioca maltodextrin, a parlor trick I've tried in the past). Turns out that Raven SymoNAY is the culprit, but she exclaims "I taste bacon and I taste chili but those smell like old feet!" pointing to the vinegar chips that Cat Deeley seems to have in front of her. Or maybe the editing was just bad. In any case, for Raven's second course, she gets a Stilton fondue to eat while the rest of the table rhapsodizes over bone marrow with Stilton. The next course is beef cooked in Guinness, with a welcome dish of gnocchi for Raven. And finally, the dessert gets mixed reactions. Cat Deeley claims not to know what an "English milky tea broth" is even though she is British. Um...looked like tea with milk in it to me.

My biggest objection about Janet's dinner party is that Rocco pronounced mascarpone incorrectly by putting an extra "r" in the first syllable. You're Italian, Rocco. For shame! Heaven forbid Giada De Laurentiis ever get a hold of you, she'd be all, "mas car POWN ay" in your face.

Kevin is up, and he can only allow the diners a generous 8 minutes per course if he wants to finish serving in the hour time frame. He rushes out some pea soup with prosciutto (tomato for Raven), fish and truffled chips, a lobster pot pie with far too much saffron (that someone remarks is like licking bathroom tile - WHO licks bathroom tile, aside from my retarded special old cat?), a lamb course with beans that also gets served to Raven because she didn't clarify that she didn't eat red meat, only pork and beef.

Liver and onions came next, with an edamame salad substitution for Raven, and then finally, a deconstructed banana bread pudding which was the least favorite dish of the six.

While both parties seemed fun and most of the food seemed appreciated - there were so many courses served, however, we didn't get to hear all that much praise or disdain for any of them - Rocco had to pick one winner. It might have come down to decor. Janet had great ideas, but I think Jes Forehead let her down. The colors were too bright and poppy, like a fluorescent-lit 2011-version of punk rather than the filthy, heroin-addled, safety-pin-and-unemployment-riddled dark time that it was. Kevin's vision was much cozier, more pub-like and welcoming. And maybe his food was better, because he got the win.

Congrats, Kevin!

Next week: A bald Douche. Fashion. Kara Janx.

Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.

Rocco's Dinner Party, Episode 6 Recap

Sorry I didn't do a recap last week. Actually, no, I'm not sorry. I went to New York on Thursday and had a damn fabulous time. Friday and Saturday I was super busy, and by the time I had a spare moment to look at my notes on Sunday, I really didn't feel like dealing with it. Honestly, if I don't do it right away, I don't want to do it at all.

But before I start this week's recap, let me tell you about a dream I had last night because it's vaguely related. What I can remember is that I was suddenly thrust into cooking for a dinner party, and no, Rocco wasn't anywhere to be seen (although I do remember wishing at one point he was around to help me in the kitchen). Instead, the party host was Caroline Manzo, one of the Real Housewhores of New Jersey and a recent guest on Rocco's Dinner Party. The kitchen was chaotic, with dinner guests already seated, a giant pot of beans on the stove badly needing to be drained (and I'm not able to lift it), no planned meat courses that I was aware of, and my having to cook brown carnaroli risotto with: 1) no idea how long it needs to cook; 2) no stock. Meanwhile, Caroline was in a panic arranging antipasti, and at the same time chattering on about me marrying an Italian boyfriend, who, now that I reflect on it, appeared in an Inception-style flashback-within-a-dream cameo as Andrew Garfield. That scrawny guy in the new Spiderman movie. And yes, I did watch the trailer yesterday afternoon. My mind is so freaking susceptible to suggestion, it's scary. Obviously I was much younger in my dream, because Garfield was born the year I graduated high school. ....

In any case, my dream was far more interesting than last night's episode of Rocco's Dinner Party, which was more annoying than anything. And sorry for the lack of pictures - Bravo only has images from the Signature Dish challenge and none of the rest of the show, and two of three videos are mostly useless.

Anyhoo...the three chefs this week were caterers Daniel "Darth" Vater and Vanessa Cantave, and biscotti baker and royal pain-in-the-ass Natalie Stone. That Natalie bitch talked non-stop, whether anyone was listening to her or not. I was kinda hoping that Rocco would be extra-super-douchy to her because I woulda been.

Her "signature dish" was - no, not biscotti - a pan-seared cod over white sweet potato and turnip puree and a corn relish. As she finishes plating her dish she yells, "I hate it I hate it I hate it!" which causes all and sundry to step away from her, wondering if she weren't perhaps a victim of head trauma at some point in her life. She does have five kids, so that might be part of the madness.

Oh, I know. You're capable of great annoyance.

Daniel was almost equally annoying. He claimed that his stuffed chicken breast dish, which he called "chicken ballotine" to fancy it up, wowed celebrity diners from here clear to New Jersey.

Hey, man, don't bother Daniel with things like fancy French pronunciation. Do you think he's gay or something?

Meanwhile, third chef Vanessa is much more modestly confident and definitely more quiet as she works on her seared scallops dusted in porcini powder and served over creamed leeks.

When it's time to present the dishes on the Altar of Judgement, Rocco tells them he's going to first taste the one that he finds most appealing, which is Lord Vater's. While it looks good, it's a bit overwrought for what is essentially a stuffed chicken breast. Vanessa's dish is technically proficient, and the worst Rocco can muster is to make fun of her quail egg topping. And finally, Natalie's dish, which looks like shit, surprises Rocco with its deliciousness. Looks like she's going to be staying. But can wee bird eggs beat out fussy chicken? I'm not sure I can deal with both Darth Feyter and Nutjob.

And I don't have to. Vanessa is proclaimed the winner of the challenge and Daniel is sent off to grumble about how great he is while he packs his knives and goes.

Rocco then tells the girls that this week's theme is French cuisine. They'll need to plan their menus using Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking as their bible. Jes Forehead is then trotted out to help them with party planning.

Vanessa's parents are from Haiti, so she decides to inject some Island soul into her decor, with soothing blues and greens and a blue toile tablecloth. Natalie, who is clearly insane, tells Jes Forehead that she wants her room to be romantic, intimate, like a woman's bedroom, but also decadent like Paris in the 20s, gluttonous, with nude fat people, and lots of fruit on the table.

While the chefs shop, we learn that Nutjob wants to make gorgonzola-stuffed dates wrapped in bizute (prosciutto - she's Sicilian), bacon and onion gnocchi, filet of sole stuffed with duxelles, and a gateau a l'orange. Vanessa is making a red snapper crudo, an onion and plantain soup, braised short ribs, and a banana tart. The only French I'm seeing in these menus are the words "duxelles" and "gateau."

Back in the kitchen, Nutjob hasn't stopped talking for a minute.

Meanwhile, the guests arrive: Julie & Julia author Julie Powell, actor Michael Ian Black and actress S. Epatha Merkeson, event planner Marcy Blum, French model Leah de Wavrin, and French chef Alain Salhiac. Rocco brings Powell into the kitchen to meet the chefs, as if they're supposed to be excited to meet a blogger who turned out a book so uninteresting, they had to add a whole other book AND Meryl Streep to turn it into a halfway watchable movie.

And still they failed.

Nutjob serves her food first. Her dining room looks like a Russian whorehouse - a ton of fruit on the table, purple tinted drawings of nudes on the walls - it's just hideous. This week's annoying vegetarian is Marcy Blum (who eats fish, which means she's NOT a vegetarian) whose dietary pecadillos must be accommodated. I'd be like, "Sorry bitch, you should have told me well in advance. You're going to have to be satisfied with eating the parsley garnish." But Natalie complies by omitting the "bizute" from her dates and makes plain pasta for her first course. Not that it's served mind you - a waiter gives Marcy a plate of bacon gnocchi, which sends Rocco into the kitchen to whine about it for her.

While Nutjob's decor is a mess, it seems that the guests enjoy her food, particularly the cake. Model Leah - who is a skeleton even with the supposed 10 pounds the camera puts on - tells Rocco that she is "pigging herself" on it.

Back in the kitchen, Nutjob tries to foist her food on Vanessa, who is nervous and can't eat. Nutjob says turning down food offered by a Sicilian mother is like spitting in her eye. Me, I would spit in her eye. Maybe it would shut her up for 10 seconds.

It's Vanessa's turn to serve and she sends out her raw snapper amuse. At this point, it's Epatha's turn to be a dick and say she doesn't eat raw fish. It's an amuse. One bite. Just don't fucking eat it. But Vanessa's a better woman than I and cooks a bit of snapper for her. She then sends out her soup course covered in sliced black truffles. Julie Powell is all over the truffles, saying they are like sex. If sex smelt like cheese, garlic, and old socks. To Michael Ian Black however, it smells like a "bladder infection." Nice.

Truffles make another appearance on the short rib dish (more snapper for Marcy), which is so adored by Salhaic that he declares it the best short ribs he has eaten in hees life. Dessert is also a big hit.

Time for the verdict. Rocco meets with the chefs at the Altar of Judgement and tells them they both did a remarkable job but only one can win. Thankfully that's Vanessa and not Nutjob, who keeps chattering all the way out the door.

Next week: She's So Raven! And a competitor who may be even more douchey than Rocco!

Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.