This episode begins with scenes from last week's post-chili-cookoff aftermath, while Squinty Chris is still wiping tears from his face with Richie's molé-stained bandanna. Padma tells the tired cheftestants to go home and get a good night sleep because tomorrow they will be packing all of their shit into three ugly Toyota minivans and driving five hours to Dallas!
One van is being driven by Heather, and another by the Cowboy from the Village People. No wait - that's Jor-El in a cowboy hat. On the way north, they get to know each other better. Handsome Chris reveals that not too long ago he weighed 70 lbs more than he does now. He lost the equivalent of an entire Padma!
Near Dallas, they encounter a roadblock set up by the Texas Highway Patrol. And Bravo. Dakota immediately starts panicking and thinks there's a warrant out for her arrest because of a sizeable ticket she has not yet paid. Everyone else frantically stubs out their doobies and fans the air, but it's too late - they are forced to turn off the road into a scrubby cornfield...
...where Padma is standing with this week's judge, the handsome and toothy New Orleans chef who lost both Next Iron Chef and Top Chef Masters, John Besh.
Ed refused to make what he called "Flintstone food" and whipped up a pretty elegant-sounding Thai peanut soup with a nori-wrapped crab cake on top. (Nori in a survival kit?)
Padma then tells the cheftestants that once they get to Dallas, they will be preparing a progressive dinner for three couples who live in Dallas' posh Highland Park neighborhood. She puts Squinty Chris, Sarah, Paul, Whitney, and Lindsay in the group responsible for appetizers; Beverly, Jor-El, Nyesha, Heather, and Chuy get main courses; and Dakota, Handsome Chris, Ed, and Grayson get desserts.
They meet with the vapid, shallow, nouvelle riche, McMansion-dwellers for whom they will be cooking. (This is smelling like a Bravo tie-in for yet another Housewhores show to me.) One of them is a "Lifestyle specialist" or somesuch ridiculous non-profession for people who have more money than taste. She tells the appetizer cooks that they were briefly contemplating a theme for the party - pink food. But then that bitch Lisa Vanderpump from the Housewhores of Beverly Hills stole the idea and used it for a challenge on Top Chef Just Desserts, one-upping them by dressing her little dog as a Chippendale dancer and making him strip for the guests.
God, that ruined everything.
After meeting their clients, the cheftestants head out to shop. While this whole sickening mess seems like a team challenge, the chefs are actually competing against each other this time, as God intended. One
On to the next McMansion for entrees.
But he did have reason to worry, not about the "society" mavens, but about the Real Judges with Real Taste who ding him for having too much on his plate. John Besh complains about Jax-Ur's knife skills, too. Nyesha's filet - which looks perfect - is a bit underdone for the housewhores, who prefer their meat dead. But they seem to enjoy Chuy's horribly overcooked salmon and goat cheese thingy stuffed in a corn husk. The Real Judges, on the other hand, do not.
Anyhoo...that stupid and painful part of the show over, the judges shoo the vapid people away and take over the dessert house dining room. Padma then summons Sarah, Grayson, Paul, and Dakota to Judges' Table. Their two apps and two desserts were the favorite dishes of the evening. Dakota, who worried about the texture of her bread pudding, was pleasantly shocked, but she did not win. That honor went to Paul, for his Brussels sprouts.
He won for Brussels sprouts. That's kind of amazing. Even more amazing than winning for Vienna sausages and saltines.
Next week, the chefs visit the Ewings at Southfork Ranch, and Jor-El cuts his hand.
Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.
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