Thursday, January 13, 2011

Top Chef All Stars Episode Six Recap

Hallo, everybody, Fabio Viviani here! Da Meenx, she have-a da sinoose headache, so she ask me to cover for her here.

Forst, we see what-a happen before theese week's a-challenge. The gorls, a-tired from that crazy deem sum challenge, all go to bed, while some-a da men seet outsi' and have a peesing match. Well, mostly Marcel. Hee-a theenk that hees cheeken weeng was a weener, and he go off on Dale while pound hees chest like gorilla an' drink Bombay Sapphire straight outta da bottle. Oh, he ees such a douch-abag! I have-a to laugh a leetle beet when our alarm clocks go offa at 4:30 in-a da morning. Eets too late for a meednight sneck, and too a-orly for breakfast, but not too orly to a-wake Marcel!

So why we get up-a so orly? We go-a feeshing! Fabio does like to feesh, but I hope my beloved Turtle, she no' be upset weeth me. We head out to Montauk, on-a Long Island, an' meet up weeth-a Tom an' Padma who tell us that we do no' have a Queeckfire Challenge thees-a week. Then we peek teems. I hope I no' be stuck weeth-a Marcel, but my luck ees-a no' so good today.

Team 1 - Tre, Colla, Dale
Team 2 - Reechard, Marcel, an' me
Team 3 - Antonia, Jamie, Teeffani
Team 4 - Ongeelo, Teeffany, Mike

We get on two boat, Team 1 an' 3 onna da Sea Wife IV and Team 2 an' 4 onna da Susie E 2. I can see da udder boat, she ees catcheeng lots of feesh. Dey are all excited and geeving-a high-fives. My boat, she has-a nothing. I feel very unlucky today. Eet must be Marcel scare the feesh.

Meanwhile, the feesh a-scare Ongeelo. He do no' like-a da shark. I theenk maybe eef we see shark, we throw Marcel overboard. 

Eventually, after long hours een the sun weeth-a no sunscreen and-a no sunglasses, we catch-a lots of feesh an' go plan da menus an' find some aloe vera.

Of course, Marcel theenk he so smart an' he decide we going to do very complicated deesh. Reechard theenk eetsa good idea to do theese to keep Marcel quiet. Eef we make one strong deesh, eet be hard for judges to trow us out. Eets a leetle psycholoheecol warfare!

Den we shop at da farmer's market. I hear Antonia say that Reechard and I, we have a "bromance." She say he ees "da professor," and I am-a "da strange Italian eemmigrant." WTF? First of all, I am not strange. Second, nobody can take-a da place of Stefan Richter in my-a heart.

The nex' day, we-a head to da beach to cook. Eef you remember from our season five, Jamie, she ees-a huge whiner. She complain about da sand, she complain about da heat. She woulda made good shark bait, too. Tre say she like a leetle baby a-cry in the backgroun'. Ha!

So my team-a gets to work. Reechard, he a-work on da feesh, and Marcel, he walk around, all pompous and douchey. Me, I have to do all of the chopeeng and I get boss around. "Fabio, do theese," and "Fabio do that." Eet get on my norves, but I do eet because I am a team player. I do weesh we were make da gnocchi for thees deesh.

Soon eet geet dark an' cookeng time ees up. Da hongry people come een like a swarm of mosquito and da judges too. Weeth the lovely Padma an' Gail ees Tom an' hees "feeshing buddy" (weenk, weenk) Kerry Heffernan of the restaurant South a-Gate. I am relieve to see Bourdain ees-a no' weeth them thees time. I canno' hear what the judges say abouta food, so I jus' count the hours until I can geet away from Marcel.

We seet eenna da Stew Room for a while before Padma come een. She lower her voice like she-a very sad an' she say she want to see Dale, Colla, Tre, Teeffany, Mike, and Ongeelo. They have make da favorite deeshes an' that mean Fabio ees up for eleemination. Again. Thees season a-no make me happy.

When da top seex return, Colla eesa jumping up and down weeth-a hoppiness because she won theese challenge an' a treep to Amsterdam. Oh, how my-a Turtle would loff to go to Amsterdam! We would have such a good time together! Eenstead, I have to go face da judges weeth Marcel, Reechard, Jamie, Antonia, and Teeffani.

Forst, da judges say that I no' do enough for our deesh. But I do alla da knife cuts, except da feesh! They say maybe Reechard no' trust me, wheech-a make me sad. But den I get hoppy when they yell at Marcel for heesa foam. Always da foam! Stop weeth da foam! Den they go on to Jamie, who mada watery bland food. I want to tell them that she whine too much, too. Antonia's deesh they like an' they say eet was so good, she maybe win theese challenge, but her team suck. Teeffani deed not remove-a da bloodline from her bluefeesh, and eet not taste good.

They send us back to da stew to stew a beet more, den bring us out again. Thees ees such torture, you know? The judges make one last complaint about our deeshes, then Padma brings down-a the axe. Jamie and Teeffani are sent home, an' I am-a relieved. No treep to Amsterdam, but no treep back to Moorpark, either.

Next week: Restaurant Wars!


LauraK said...

Hilarious! Thank Minx!!!

MoHub said...

Fabio needs to blog more often. I am speeteeng onna my mohneetawr!

bernal_vernal said...

There have been far too many team challenges this season!

Cliff O'Neill said...

Yes, I'm over a week late. I'm a-terrible.

Lovely blog, Fabio. I a-love-a you turtle.