Top Chef Las Vegas Finale Part Two Recap

Here we are at last, finally the final finale for Top Chef Las Vegas, a season of sheer professionalism and relative lack of drama. Honestly, I miss the shenanigans of past seasons - they made for more entertaining recaps.

It's been a long, long, long season and our three remaining cheftestants are looking forward to their final battle. Kevin is both "pumped" and "stoked." And the Brothers Voltaggio are bickering amongst themselves. At least neither of them says "awesome" or walks around with hugemongous umbrellas.

They stop needling each other long enough to put on their chef coats and head out to the Rutherford Hill Winery, where they find Tom and Padma standing in the blazing sun.

Tom gives them their final challenge - prepare a three course meal. Sounds simple enough, right? But this is Top Chef, so there's a twist. The first course must be prepared from a Chopped-style "Mystery Box." (The Food Network has been ripping off Top Chef in their competitions for a few years now. Turnaround is fair play, I suppose.) For the second course, the cheftestants can prepare anything they wish from any available ingredients. And finally, the third course must be dessert. The meal will be prepared and served at Cyrus, a Michelin 2-Star restaurant in Healdsburg, and served to top restaurateurs. Tom says that this meal can make their careers.

Then Padma tells the cheftestants they will have help, and from the surrounding vineyard emerge the first 437 eliminated chefs, from Jen Z to Jen C. Jen C. is carrying the knife block, the sight of which causes Michael to say that there are a couple of names he could pull that would make him slit his own throat.

It would have been fun had he picked Robin, but the ensuing bloodbath would probably have been too much of a distraction for Kevin and Bryan. And one of those two is going to win this thing, right? Instead, he gets Jesse and Eli. Kevin ends up with Preeti and Ash, and Bryan gets the best of the bunch with Jen C. and Ashley. One of these sous chefs will help them with prep, the other will help them cook the next day.

With 15 minutes to plan, the chefs head to the kitchen to examine their Mystery Box [insert dirty joke here]. It contains Pacific rockfish, kabocha squash, Dungeness crab, Meyer lemon, matsutake mushrooms, and anise hyssop.

I love the way my spell check is recommending different words for kobocha (kaboom, kabob), Dungeness (dungeons, dungarees, strangeness), and matsutake (matchmaker, mistake) but seems to think that "hyssop" is just fine.

Kevin is upset at getting stuck with "I'm a Lesbian But I Can't Shuck Clams" Preeti. He doesn't have much faith in her abilities so gives her very few things to do, none of which involve pasta salad. Bryan, on the other hand, is quite pleased with his own personal lesbian helper, Ashley. And Michael is on his knees thanking the heavens that he didn't pull Robin.

The next morning, Kevin is upset because he feels he lost the whole first day being mad at Preeti. Michael is still contemplating the contents of the Mystery Box. Suddenly, there's an ominous knock on the door. Immediately they speculate that it's Padma announcing another twist, but instead they find...

Mom Gillespie reminds me of a faded country singer, with her sparkly eye shadow and blue eye-liner.

Voltaggio Mom helps her little boys button their jackets and roll their sleeves and reminds them that they are brothers and best friends, no matter what happens. :::sniff:::

Mom Gillespie lets her little boy roll his own sleeves, but tells Kevin to be himself and that he's got what it takes to beat the Volt Boys.

They then leave their Moms behind and head to Cyrus to finish prepping and cooking. Tom meets them there and finally gives them the expected extra twist. Instead of a three-course meal, they must now prepare a four-course meal, with the first course being an hommage to their mommies. Something inspired by a childhood dish.

Kevin decides to make something with chicken skin, since that was his mama's favorite part of the chicken (a woman after my own heart). Bryan says his parents divorced when the kids were very young, and if that wasn't bad enough, their mom made a lot of tuna casserole. And he was going to make it even yuckier by using sardines. Michael said he likes to transform things he doesn't like to eat into things he does like to eat, so he opts to play with the hated broccoli.

With three hours left until they must plate the first dish, they have to get cracking, especially with a fourth course on the table. Michael has finally figured out what he wants to make with his Mystery Box, and calls it a "scavenger hunt" of flavor. Later, when it's time to plate his first course, we hear him say that it's "bold and rustic" as he's spooning some spooge-like foam onto the broccoli. Doesn't get more rustic than foam....

The cheftestants enter the dining room with their first dishes and notice their moms seated at the table along with Tom, Gail, Toby, and Padma, plus restaurateurs Douglas Keane of Cyrus, Donatella Arpaia, Stephen Starr, Drew Nieporent, Sam Nazarian, and wine guy Bill Terlato. Padma then apologizes to the moms, saying that the judges' comments to their baby boys may seem a little harsh.

After the first course, the moms are unceremoniously kicked out. Next up is the Mystery Box course. Kevin's dish is merely ok, and features a tough mushroom. Bryan's dish is bland and safe and is compared to a "blind date you don't want to go on." As if anyone ever looks forward to a blind date. (I had one and it was a nightmare. The guy didn't make eye contact, nor did he speak to me even once. Thank goodness it was a double date with my then-best friend. Believe me, bland fish would have been far preferable.) Michael's dish is the best-received of the three, although nobody mentions scavenger hunts.

The third course is "Chef's Choice" and of course Kevin chooses to make pork. Unfortunately, it seems that his pork belly didn't get cooked long enough. And at this point I'm realizing he's not going to win this competition. That means Bryan is going to be victorious, right?

Bryan, who reveals to all assembled that he hunts, is told that his venison dish is perfectly cooked, "rich and pungent," and not at all bland. That gives me hope. Michael's squab is excellent, but Gail thought the sundry mushroom and pistachio garnishes were gimmicky. Ok! Go Bryan!

Finally - the dreaded mandatory dessert course. Kevin had worried earlier on that dessert was not his strong suit, so he opted to use an ingredient that was more in his wheelhouse - bacon. Bacon desserts are starting to be a bit played out, I'm afraid, and there were mixed emotions about Kevin's bacon and bananas among the judges. Michael's cake was overbaked and dry, but overall it was "almost very good." Bryan's cheesecake with fig sorbet, on the other hand, showed real finesse. Yay! Bryan is going to take this competition! Right? Right?

Despite my wishful thinking, at this point I'm positive Kevin has lost. I'm (obviously) rooting for Bryan, but a small sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me that Michael is going to end up winning this thing.

Next we see the cheftestants once again stewing in the Please Buy Chimney Rock Wines Stew and Sip room, this time without the wine to take the edge off. I need a glass myself, at this point.

Bryan, Michael, and Kevin all head off to Judges' Table by themselves, like big boys, without Padma having to come in to get them or their mommies to re-roll their sleeves.

The judges tell the cheftestants about their successes and mistakes. And then Padma asks the always-stupid question "why do you deserve to be Top Chef?" Bryan seems a bit flustered, but tells the judges that he thought he expressed his cuisine well throughout the competition. Michael wants to win because he doesn't want Bryan to win. Then he adds, "Food is me. Food is how I express myself." Damn good thing he has food, because grammar isn't his strong suit. And we hear from Kevin that he loves food (no!) and its ability to comfort people.

Back at the stew room, all three seemed slightly depressed.

The judges make their decision and call the cheftestants out to stand before them one last time.

Padma fakes us out by saying, "Kevin..." (long pause) "...you are not Top Chef." At which point he hugs everyone and goes back to the stew room to be comforted by his mom.

It's down to the Volt Boys. And the winner is....

Bah. Oh, he deserves to win alright, unlike Hosea. He's a talented chef, but he was my fourth choice to be Top Chef, after Bryan, Kevin, and Jen C. Sigh.

Next week: A Top Chef Reunion where we, no doubt, will hear how much certain people hated Robin. Yawn.

Top Chef Las Vegas Finale Part One Recap

This week on Top Chef - the Finale, Part Un!

The chefs are in the verdant, grape-filled Napa Valley, ready for the penultimate battle. In a confidential, Jen tells us she is excited to be in Napa and says she's on Top Chef for her mom, who taught her how to cook. And apparently gave her a quick make-up lesson when she got back home.

We then cut to Jen hanging out at a quaint old train station. Michael shows up and tells us he thinks the competitive level is equal among the four. Notice he said "competitive level" not "quality of chefs" because you know he's still thinking he's better than Kevin. And everyone else.

Kevin arrives next. He made a promise to himself to not be happy accepting anything other than a spot in the finals. So he would be happy coming in second, third, or fourth? Doubt it.

Finally, Bryan comes strolling down the platform with a huge fucking umbrella, big enough for the four of them and a small herd of cattle. Suddenly I'm annoyed, remembering how big umbrellas on crowded sidewalks piss me off. It happened just yesterday afternoon, in fact. And then Bryan tries to charm himself back into my good graces by talking about how his son greeted him at Dulles when he flew back home after all those weeks in Vegas. Yeah, right. He probably started rifling through his bags while saying, "What did you bring me?" like all kids do when their dads get back from business trips.

Meanwhile, back at the station....

A train pulls in from which emerges a pregnant Padma wearing a tight sweater dress that shows off her baby bump. With her is my least favorite Top Chef Masters finalist, Michael Chiarello.

We then hear Michael Voltaggio proclaim Chiarello "awesome," which only adds to my Voltaggio-fueled annoyance.

Padma then breaks it to the four remaining cheftestants that, since they are in wine country, they will be using grapes as the main ingredient for the Quickfire Challenge.

They will have 30 minutes to cook and serve their dishes to Padma and Chiarello - all on the train. This is also the final "High Stakes" Quickfire, this time the prize is a 2010 Toyota Prius. I can't see "Prius" without thinking of the South Park episode "Smug Alert!" in which everyone drives a "Pious" and loves the smell of their own farts.

We then see the chefs in their whites, scurrying about on the moving train.

Accidentally. Of course. Poor Kevin suffers from motion sickness and ponders how to incorporate vomit into his dish.

Michael runs off and snags a quiet corner to himself before Bryan can steal the same area; this pisses off Big Brother who is forced to work in a confined space with two other people. One of whom is worried about knives slipping and the other of whom is trying not to puke.

The cooking is over in the blink of an eye. All four chefs serve Padma and Chiarello at once. Kevin goes first with his mousse-and-spew combo. Michael then serves his stuffed grape leaves. Bryan serves a game hen with Brussels sprouts and concord grapes, which gets a raised eyebrow from Chiarello - although concords were on the Table O' Grapes, they are not really a Napa product. Jen does a chicken liver and clam dish that sounds kinda gross but turns on Chiarello enough that he says he may steal it for his restaurant. But he's not turned on enough to give her the win, which he instead awards to Michael. Padma tosses him the keys to the car, at which point he farts and bends over to inhale.

Come on! You had to have seen that coming!

The next morning, we find the chefs at the Meritage Resort and Spa where they are allowed cellphones - for product placement reasons, of course. They then head to the Rutherford Hill Winery where they once again find Padma and Chiarello. The Pregnant One tells them they will be catering a "Crush Party" for 150 guests. Each cheftestant will have to create one vegetarian and one meat dish, in five hours, using only local ingredients. Part of the 5 hours will be spent sourcing the food, conveniently located at a faux farmers' market set up at Long Meadow Ranch. Bryan tells us he chose his restaurant location because it's near fresh ingredients. He thinks farmers markets are fun. And Jen tells us she has 5,000,000 ideas in her head but she's choosing to work with duck.

They cart their vegetable bounty to the kitchens at Brix, where they will be cooking and serving their food.

Jen, as always, is a little scattered.

I guess with 5,000,000 ideas in one's head, it's easy to forget things.

Kevin wants to beat Michael to show him that simple cooking can win.

The man is ready, can you tell?

Jen sets up her station near Kevin, who asks her if she has her ideas straight. Between the two of them, at least, there's comraderie.

On the other side of the room, however, the Voltaggios are secretly seething at each other. Bryan thinks that since he uses local ingredients all the time, this challenge is more up his alley than his brother's. But honestly? I don't want to know what's up Michael's alley.

Tom comes in for his Sniff 'n' Sneer and surprisingly doesn't have anything particularly snide or superior to say to any of the chefs.

Soon the cooking time is up and they must carry their wares outside to feed the impending hoardes of hungry guests.

The judges - Padma, Chiarello, Tom, Gail, and The Boobies - descend upon Bryan's table first, where he serves them goat cheese ravioli and short ribs. Despite general undersalting, both dishes are successful. Michael is next. His foie gras and turnip soup is good (a partygoer called him a genius, if I remember correctly), but the poached egg in his vegetarian dish is a little too snotty around the edges for Padma's taste. And you know if Padma doesn't like something, we're going to hear about it for the rest of the episode.

Kevin's simple vegetable dish of beets and carrots was a "brilliant" use of seasonal vegetables. His polenta was also appreciated, but his still-not-tender brisket was called out as being too ropy. Jen's goat cheese with radishes and basil was an interesting combination of flavors but suffered from too much salt. Her duck, which she confitted rather than smoked as she had originally intended, "tasted like duck." Which one can assume is: 1) what it should taste like; 2) a good thing. But you never know with these judges.

Fakeout Scene!

The four cheftestants go to wine caves and meet Tony Terlato who tries to get them drunk. Jen admits to having a high alcohol tolerance.

/fakeout

The stew room and Judges Table are held at the Chimney Rock Winery. It's a much classier stew room than the cheftestants are used to - they get to sit on real chairs at a real table and there are no piles of Glad products in the corners. Padma comes into the Please Buy Chimney Rock Wines Stew and Sip Room and asks for the presence of all four cheftestants at Judges' Table.

Kevin's vegetarian dish was "stellar" and "stunning in its simplicity" but his beef was tough. Bryan's pasta dough was perfect, and his dishes had a surprising level of flavor, although there wasn't enough of the advertised fig glaze on his beef. Even still, it was enough to get him the win. And Chiarello didn't even give him a cheesy cookbook.

Michael's vegetarian dish suffered from the brunoise of vegetables which Gail suggested could have had a more rustic cut for more texture, and of course Padma's runny egg was the big issue. His foie gras was great, but Gail thought there was too much of the bitter turnip green soup.

Jen's cheesy course was good, albeit too salty. Once again her duck was pronounced to have great duckiness. But that's apparently the best thing they could say about the dish.

Although it seemed that Michael's errors were more egregious - after all, how can one forgive a runny egg? - Jen's dishes had more flaws. Or something like that. I think they all drank too much wine, although presumably not Padma. She's pregnant, after all.

Next week - the final three duke it out for $125,000 and Padma wears more tight clothing!

Top Chef Las Vegas Episode Twelve Recap

On our penultimate morning at the McMansion, we find that Bryan is worried about money, since his fledgling restaurant's business is slowing while he's been gone. Kevin is missing his wife. And he must be a big fan of 80s Madonna, because we see him put a rosary on like a necklace and tuck it under his chef's whites (thankfully we were spared the scene of him putting on ripped fishnets). Eli mentions that season 4 finalist Richard Blais was his mentor and he wants to win the big prize for the both of them. I can just hear the conversation now:

"Hey Richard! I won! For both of us!"
"That's great, Eli. Where's my half of the giant check?"
"Um, well. I have to give it to Mom. But I'm sharing the glory! That's good, right?"

Jen, as usual, is feeling the pressure but hopes she can perform better in the day's challenges.

Nobody misses Robin.

/navel gazing

On to the M Resort where the five remaining cheftestants find Padma with a rather elf-like creature.

Not only did Wee Gavin win a Beard Award but he also represented the U.S. in the prestigious Bocuse d'Or competition in 2007. Yet he was beat out in the Next Iron Chef competition by Michael Symon. Go figure. Anyhoo, Wee Gavin talks about creating a ballotine of chicken with a crayfish center for the Bocuse. What he doesn't mention is the Tale of the Dishwasher. One of the side dishes for Wee Gavin's platter involved chicken wings. His hungry (and possibly stupid) dishwasher saw the wings, thought they were reject parts, and ate them. The result: Wee Gavin came in 14th. So the next time you scoff at the dish of butter-and-hot-sauce-soaked yumminess that is Buffalo wings, remember just how crucial they can be in a competitive situation.

Back to the Quickfire Challenge you say?

But wait - what's a ballotine?

I know there's a dirty joke in there somewhere.

There is no immunity, but the winner of this challenge will receive a significant advantage in the Elimination challenge.

Bryan is pretty confident, since he's made ballotines before, and is planning one with merguez sausage and lamb. His brother is even more confident and decides the contest isn't about ballotines at all but about combining three proteins, so he's making a compressed terrine. Meanwhile, Kevin thinks they're both a little dumb to try something so risky in a short 90 minutes.

Jen jokes about making a turducken, but switches to what she knows best - seafood. And Eli does his own thing too.

Obviously Top Chef Masters had not aired by the time this episode was filmed, otherwise Eli would have seen how successful Chef Art Smith was with his Scotch Egg. Not.

Time's up! Padma and Wee Gavin go around and taste everyone's wares. Bryan's dish was complimented; Kevin's breaded catfish dish may not have been risky, but it was dry. Wee Gavin actually did like Eli's egg. He wasn't crazy about Michael's terrine, as it was a terrine and not a ballotine-style preparation.

Apparently his ego was so puffed up, it clogged his ears or something.

Wee Gavin loved Jen's calamari with scallops and salmon and proclaimed her the winner, to loud sighs of relief from both Jen and the many viewers who have been pulling for her to make a comeback. Way to go, Jen!

No time to celebrate, next up is the Elimination Challenge which will be a Top Chef-ified version of the Bocuse d'Or. Let's call it "L'Excuse du Jour." Each chef must create a single protein dish and two fancy garnishes and plate them all on those silly mirrors (I think they're used so the puffed-up judges have something in which to admire themselves). They have the choice of salmon or lamb and the rest is up to them. They will have four hours to cook at Alex Stratta's restaurant Alex at the Wynn. Because she won the Quickfire, Jen gets the advantage of an additional 30 minutes to cook. The cheftestants will be judged by a party of 12, some of whom are reps from the American Advisory Board for the Bocuse d'Or, one of which is the illustrious Thomas Keller. None of which is Toby Young.

The cheftestants then pile into Sponsormobiles and head to Whole Paycheck for the obligatory shopping scene.

Back at the McMansion, we find Bryan shoveling Alexia Crunchy Snacks into his mouth while they all stare glassy-eyed at videos of Bocuse d'Or competitions. Michael has gone straight to bed, still in his chef's whites (hygiene is important in the kitchen but apparently not in the bedroom). Kevin asks Bryan about cooking sous vide, and Bryan explains the technique.

The next day, the chefs settle in at the Alex kitchen. Tom comes in with Thomas Keller to give the chefs a pep talk.

Michael is already pretty confident.

He also takes the opportunity to trash talk Kevin.

Kevin explains why he's trying a new technique.

Tom ditches Keller and comes back for his Sniff 'n' Sneer. He gives Kevin funny looks when he sees his immersion circulator. As if leprechauns aren't allowed to use technology and must rely on their elfin magic!

Bryan seems confident but he's obviously nervous because suddenly he's smiling and doing this weird staccato laugh, "hahahahahaha."

Tom decides to throw a monkey wrench into the proceedings. Or does he?

Guess who finds this funny? "Hahahahahaha."

We then cut to a schmancy dining room where the guests are arriving. They include Padma, Gail, Tom, Thomas Keller, Wee Gavin, Traci des Jardins (who also won a James Beard Award but lost the title of Next Iron Chef), Alex Stratta, Daniel Boulud, Jerome Bocuse (son of Paul), and Timothy Hollingsworth, the French Laundry sous chef who represented the U.S. in the Bocuse d'Or in 2009.

Kevin's shiny mirrored platter comes out first, bearing Poached Lamb Loin, Sherry-Glazed Beet, and Asparagus in Sunchoke Cream. While they seem to enjoy the flavors, Keller says the dish seemed a bit "elemental" for the length of time and the caliber of chef.

Michael is next with his Salmon with Cauliflower Chickpea Tart and Zucchini Tzatziki. He calls it "Mediterranean" but that was declared a misnomer by most of the judges. And then Alex Stratta found a bone in his fish, which seemed to concern Padma more than most.

Bryan was next with Crusted Lamb Loin, Lamb Shank Crepinette, and Orzo Au Gratin. Bocuse liked the presentation but the lamb was undercooked and tough.

Eli's Sausage-wrapped Lamb Loin, Carrot Puree, and Tomato-Piquillo Canapé came out next. His lamb was seriously undercooked with unpleasant bits of raw fat. His meat was also sliced unevenly. Padma liked the flavors, and the judges agreed that the idea was good but the technical production was a failure.

Finally we have Jen's Salmon and Caviar, Shrimp Flan and Truffle, and Celery Root and Shiitake. The flavors and presentation were nice, but not well thought-out. And the salmon was unevenly cooked.

After the judges finish eating, the cheftestants were brought back out to face the diners. Gail said she was proud that they could produce the food they did with only 12 hours to shop, plan, and cook. After a round of applause, the chefs were told that the winner of this Elimination Challenge would be allowed to compete for a spot on the 2011 Bocuse d'Or team.

The chefs are then herded to the Glad Family of Products Stew and Booze Room where we get our fakeout scene which is all ooey-gooey with emotion. Bryan says they should be proud because they cooked for the best chefs in the world! And Tyler Florence. Jen says at the end of the day, even though they are competitors, they are all friends. Awwww. /fakeout

Padma comes in, far perkier than in any prior episode, to call *all* of the chefs to Judges' Table. Wee Gavin has been replaced by Jerome Bocuse for the occasion. The chefs were alternately complimented and castigated for their dishes and then sent back to stew. It seemed to me that none of the judges exactly agreed with each other, so this was going to be a tough elimination.

Finally, the cheftestants were brought out again. Tom told them he had incredible respect for all of them - but one of them had to go. First - the winner. Despite complaints about the over-simplicity of his dish, Kevin's lamb was perfectly cooked. He was given the 30K in poker chips, plus a Bocuse d'Or jacket and some reference materials he might need if he wanted to compete for a position on the 2011 team.

After Kevin leaves the room, they again tell the remaining chefs their shortcomings.

Not only was there a bone in Michael's fish, but his cucumber wasn't impressive. Now that should knock his ego down a few pegs!

Then Padma said the magic words, which this week included the name "Eli." He managed not to cry and snivel too much on his way out the door to be briefly reunited with his ladylove, Robin (who no doubt was already fighting off the attentions of DoucheyMike).

Next week: the Final Four do battle in wine country!