Monday, June 16, 2008

The Next Food Network Thtar - Episode 3

Hi, and welcome to this weekth recap of The Next Food Network Thtar. The Minx is working on another athignment, tho I'm your thubthitute blogger, Jeffrey.

Lath week, Adam and Nipa were on thin ithe. Thay tuned to thee what happenth this epithode!

Firth, we went to the Food Network Thudios to find Bobby Flay prethenting our challenge of the day: expreth ourthelves through a potato.

We get thirty mineth to cook a potato dish that representh our culinary point-of-view, and thirty theconth to prethent our dish to the camera, making thure to talk about ourtheves too. Girlth, I'm doing some thnazzy thophisthicated home fries to show off my culinary proweth!

Kelthey made a catherole of raw potatoth with raw pancetta that, let me tell you girl, did NOT impreth those judgeth. And she was perky as hell! Damn girl, reign it in a little!

Nipa made thome damn Indian dish with a funny name that the judgeth liked, but she was all looking at the theiling and her delivery wath, thall we thay, wooden. The judgeth looooved Aaron'th bacon-wrapped potatoth but he theemed a little nervouth.

That young whipperthapper Shane made lumpy old vichythoithe, but his prethentation wathn't bad. And Jennifer put mathed potatoth on pizza? Now that'th some thcary thuff!

My home fries were fine, but those bitch-ath judges didn't theem to agree. I admit I was a little thtiff in my prethentation. They thaid I was "not engaging." Hmpfh.

Litha, all pleathed with her damn creme freth and trout, blabbed on for all of fifteen theconds and then thood there looking like an idiot. Nothing new there.

Tho after that ordeal wath over, we're told we have to create a food product for our next challenge. We get half an hour to shop and then an hour to prepare the item and package up fifty thamples to prethent to food buyers. That's exthiting! And I'm making thome thexy theathoned thalt!

Tho we go to the thtore and Nipa buys up all the cayenne pepper for thome damn peanut theathoning. Peanuth need theathoning? Aaron needed thome cayenne for his apple thider vinaigrette, but he had to use jalapeno inthtead, and girl, he was pithed.

Shane made a thauthe of dried cherrieth and cognac and called it "Cherriac." At leatht, that'th what it thounded like he thaid. Then I thaw the labelth, and they thaid "Cherri-Gac." Gack? Not a pretty word, Shane, thweetie. Maketh me think of children'th cough medicine.

The nexth day, we have to thet up tableth with our producth (in jarth with these ugly-ath labelth) and do a prethentation to food buyerth.

Oh thnap! Martha Thtewart is a thurprise guest judge. When she maketh her entrance, Litha thtarts jumping up and down like a crazy person. Calm down, girl!

Martha goes around on her high horse and thamples our wareth. The only one of us who geth a compliment is Aaron, for hith apple thider vinaigrette. Shane's Cherry-GACK needed thalt. Shoulda uthed thome of my theathoned thalt, girl!

Adam thang a thong for Martha. Knew your BBQ theathoning wath bad, huh?

After our prethentations, Martha and the judges talked trash about uth. When athked whether she would watch Kelthey, she thaid, "I don't know for how long...." Oh thnap again, girl!

Back at the Carriage Houth, we went down to the judging room (what I like to call "the dungeon") to face Thuthie Fogethon, Bob Tuthman, and Bobby Flay. Adam tried to be funny by thaying he wath going to leave the "raw foods movement behind." Oh ha, ha. Crazy Litha cried becauth she got to meet her idol Martha Thtewart. Kelthey cried too because the panel thought she was too perky, too practiced.

I got cathtigated for my theasoned thalt. They thaid it was too much thalt, not enough thteasoning.

Unfortunately, that wath my downfall, and Thuthie athked me to go.


Anonymous said...

Firtht, I can't believe you typed that whole thing with a lithp! BRAVO!!!

Thurprised you didn't mention that Litha's eyeth completely dithappear when she thpeakth. Why don't the judgeth thay anything about that?

Great recap, thankth!!

John said...

Oh dear God! My review is bitchier than Jeffrey's I think, but lisp-free. I didn't think the guy would leave so soon. In fact, I would've put money down on Jen skedaddlin' but apparently carb-friendly lo-carb mashed potato pizza is not as bad of an idea as I thought.

Anonymous said...

lisp is not funny after .. hmmm ... i dunno ... 3 sentences.