Top Chef All-Stars Reunion Recap

Bear with me people - I have a potentially brain-damaging sinus headache at the moment. Not only that, that stupid-ass Katy Perry song, "Firework," is on auto-play in my brain. I blame this on the two commercials I saw last night--for two different things--that featured the song in the background. I have a couple of major issues with it: 1) Why does Perry scream the entire song like a bad karaoke performer, and did I maybe just answer my own question?; 2) Did the writers not know that "firework" is NOT the singular of "fireworks?" (Five people are credited with writing that piece of tripe. FIVE. I guess five times stupid still equals stupid.)

ANYWAY, enough of that. It just makes my headache worse. On with the Montageapalooza! (That's awkward, isn't it?)

First off we get to see Richard Blais' "Journey to Top Chef," including scenes of DoucheyMike's eyeroll when Blais is announced the winner.

Blais tells us that, up to that point, his wife was the only thing he had ever "won." However, the only thing he clearly remembers from that finale night is "being in Padma's arms."

Blais says that investing in Mike's new restaurant, Graffiato, is a possiblity, and Mike says it doesn't matter because he's already got Blais' friendship and blahblahblah buttering him up for a nice cut of the $200K.

Then it has to be brought up once again that Mike and Antonia are cousins. They get along now, and their mothers especially have embraced the whole famiglia thing, but not so long ago Antonia complained about everything Mike did. That brings a montage of Mike farting and belching and being otherwise alluring in the Stew Room, much to his cousin's chagrin. She complained about it so much, it leads me to believe she was probably actually attracted to him. Eww.

Speaking of attractions, Andy poses a viewer question to Gail: out of Fabio, Spike, and Angelo, who would she date? She reminds everyone that she's married, but she chooses Spike because she's known him the longest and because they have a "Canadian connection." That could sound like something dirty, maybe a reference to a sexual position, if not for the word "Canadian" in it.

Ever notice how when Spike takes off his hat,
he resembles a grown-up Kyle Broslawski?

When Padma is asked the same question, she unveils her inner lesbian by choosing Elia or Casey, and if neither of those choices panned out, she'd like to "motorboat" Antonia.

Hard to tell if Antonia was appalled or excited about the whole thing.

I think, instead of asking the dumb "who would you date" question, the whole gang should have played MFK for the rest of the show. As for me, I think my choices for "marry" and "kill" are pretty obvious..."f*ck" is damn difficult, however, because honestly, none of them turn me on. Angelo is handsome, but I'm pretty sure he'd need to be looking in the mirror while doing it. I've never been attracted to Fabio. Hmm...I'm forgetting Tre, who would definitely be in the running. Actually, I think I'd have to choose Stephen Aspirino. He'd be so involved in trying to decide which wine goes better with condoms that I'd be able to sneak away without him noticing....

Jamie, like Marcel, is one of those people who never need to (dis)grace my television screen again.

After watching a montage of her managing not to cook, and going to the hospital to get a whole two stitches when she cuts her finger, she offers nothing but excuses. She's really quite the bullshit artist.

The montage did not include scenes of her laughing at *everything* whether it was funny or not, so I'll provide my own.

And then it's time for the obligatory bromance sequence. This season, we had two.

Fabio liked to kiss Blais on the side of the head, and Richard missed his wife so much, he didn't seem to mind at all. 

Angelo apparently missed his ex-mail order fiancée so much, he allowed Mike to occasionally tweak his nipples. Otherwise, how could he find Mike attractive in the least?

Then there was talk about Antonia, the Black Hammer. Dale Talde is convinced that she's cursed, but Antonia claims it was all merely a coincidence that when partnered up with another chef, it was almost a guarantee that chef was going home. In the case of Jamie and Tiffani, both went home for the same challenge.

Oh, and then we had Marcel spotlighted in a sequence that had one of his tantrums set to a Housewives-style auto-tuned rap music video called "Put it on a Plate." And Muppets being rude. And chatter about Mike cheating by using Blais' idea. And a montage of the judges acting silly, including a drunken Padma who had two "gins and tonics," which raised a debate whether "gins and tonics" was grammatically correct....omg...and I'm looking at the clock and thinking "IS THIS EVER GOING TO BE OVER?"

But wait, there's more. 

Elia, bitter after her early PPYKAG-ing waaaaay back in Episode 1, ranted to reporters about Tom Coliccio and his sell-out ways, how he shills for Diet Coke and serves only corn-fed beef in his Vegas steakhouse. Tom actually engages her in this silly argument, saying that he also serves grass-fed beef, and that he drinks Diet Coke. Possibly at the same time. Whatever.

And then there's a palate cleanser montage of Fan Favorite Carla being Carla - dancing, jumping around, and being her delightful self.

And I'm completely bored with this so I'm going to end it right here.

Next week: No more All-Stars! theminx is going to take a breather for a while, so no Masters recaps. I will be writing them (in a different format) on AllTopChef.com, however, so mosey on over there sometime.

Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.

Top Chef All Stars FINALE Recap

So, finally we get the actual finale, between Richard Blais - who I always expected to be there -  and Mike Isabella - whom I neither expected nor wanted to place so high in the competition. Because, as you've come to learn over the past 38 weeks of Top Chef All-Stars, I just plain don't like the guy. He demonstrated his knack for being a sexist douche during season 6, which I do not appreciate, plus, I don't like his face.

The episode starts off immediately after last week's Judges' Table when Antonia is eliminated. While Blais and Mike pace in the Stew Room, Padma and Tom come in to give them their final challenge: to create the "restaurant of their dreams" in which they will serve a four-course tasting menu. More details will be given in the morning.

Mike says he has to win because he quit his job and missed his honeymoon. I have no idea what either of them have to do with winning or losing: he quit his job at Zaytinya in late 2010 to open his restaurant Graffiato, and he got married in August of 2009, long after Top Chef Las Vegas finished taping, and well before the All-Stars season was even a twinkle in Andy Cohen's eye.

The next morning, we see Padma in a large kitchen with all of the previously-eliminated recheftestants. They will be competing to become sous chefs for Blais and Mike and have 30 minutes to prepare two portions of an amuse for them to taste.

Back in their suite, Mike and Blais are discussing who they would and would not choose as their sous. Mike wants Jen Carroll because they are friends and because they'd worked together in season 6. He definitely does not want to get stuck with a certain someone, and who can blame him?

Blais thinks it's important to consider who wants to be there and who will listen to their directions. He'd prefer to get Dale, Angelo, or Jen.

The two suit up and head to the kitchen, where the recheftestants break into applause and Padma gives them their task.

After tasting all of the dishes, Blais chooses those created by Spike, Angelo, and Antonia, while Mike prefers the dishes of Tiffani, Carla, and his favorite gal, Jamie. And I'm hoping she becomes a huge slug-like, whiny, disadvantage.

Each team has one hour to plan their menus, then five hours to cook for 70 people, including a buttload of judges.

Mike chooses to call his place "Restaurant Iz." He tells his sous chefs that they will be making his food and that's that. On the other side of the room, Blais is allowing his sous chefs to play to their own strengths in his restaurant, "Tongue and Cheek."

Blais tells us that Mike's strengths are his confidence and swagger. And his weaknesses are...his confidence and swagger. Mike demonstrates some of that confidence and swagger by telling us that he's going to out-cook Blais, which I don't believe for even one minute.

With a mere five hours to cook, the teams get right to work in their respective restaurants, Mike at Seafire at the Atlantis, and Blais at Café Martinique. When Tom comes in for a visit, he plays with the chefs' minds. First he tells Mike, who claims to be in the weeds, that nobody expected to see him in the finale.(Least of all ME.) On Blais' side of the world, Tom reminds him that he blew it in season 6. Blais says that he's over being creative for creativity's sake and that currently he's trying not to think too much about what is at stake.

Time to dine. We see some of the judges arrive at Tongue and Cheek: Padma, Lidia Bastianich, Hubert Keller, Alfred Portale, and Bill Terlato, who of course provided the wines consumed during the meals. Blais starts things off with an amuse (which he keeps pronouncing "am-u-say") of raw oyster with lemon horseradish ice cream that the judges love and feel is very sophisticated. Next is raw hamachi with fried sweetbreads, a weird combo that proves very harmonious.

Meanwhile, at Restaurant Iz, Tom and Gail get the short straw and must dine with Art Smith and new Top Chef Masters host Curtis Stone. They agree that Mike's spiced beet salad with chocolate vinaigrette is a good start, and Tom is in love with the steamed halibut he serves next.

Back at Richard's, he serves pork belly, black cod, and bone marrow - all on the same dish - and makes the judges swoon. His next course of short rib with red cabbage doesn't get as much praise, however, although all of the flavors are good. It's just not that interesting.

Mike serves a pork shoulder with pepperoni sauce that excites Gail so much she keeps repeating "pepperoni sauce." His dessert is a rosemary caramel custard that Tom thinks is overcooked and somehow cooked too fast, but tastes ok. Blais serves cornbread with mango and foie gras ice cream that is deemed a bit "controversial" by kitchen spy Spike, so Blais decides to change the ice cream up a bit before the second round of judges comes by.

The judges switch restaurants and we see more of the same lip-licking and praise. This time Blais' ice cream works better.

Back at the Stew Room, both chefs compliment their sous chefs. Apparently Jamie wasn't the liability Mike thought (and I hoped) she would be. And then its time to face the judges.

Both chefs are roundly complimented, which gives them both a boost of confidence. They are asked the "why do you deserve to win" question, which of course Blais answers articulately while Mike can only stammer something about doing it for his wife.

They are sent back to the stew while the judges make their very difficult decision. While there, Mike's mother, sister, and wife come in, along with Richard's uncle--his wife Jazmin is too pregnant to make the journey. Hugs all around. Meanwhile, the judges agree that Richard took the first two courses, and Mike took the third and fourth. But then Richard made that delicious amuse....

When they are called back out, Blais and Mike find their family members and the whole cast of recheftestants there to root them on.

Padma gives the verdict...

Richard is Top Chef!

I'm kinda beside myself with joy when Richard's name is announced and I give a little cheer. Blais is my favorite Top Cheftestant of all time, and I was as nervous about this competition as if he was sharing his prize money with me. (He's not, obviously, but I'd be willing to take a few bucks off his hands.... Richard, call me!)

That of course means Mike loses. Awww...poor Mike. Heh.

Next week - the reunion, followed by Top Chef Masters.

Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.

Top Chef All Stars Finale Part 3 Recap

For the penultimate episode of the four-month-long Snoozefest 2011, aka Top Chef All-Stars, we have a heated fiery intense boring competition between three potential losers champions - Richard Blais, Antonia LoFaso, and Mike Isabella. Blais, who's been hating on his own self for the past several episodes, lets us know that Mike's successes in the past two challenges have started to bug him.

Blais gets me thinking, "that's right! In season 6, there were only four people who won any Elimination Challenges - Bryan, Jennifer, Kevin, and Mike...Voltaggio." So how the hell did Mike Isabella make it so far in this season, when his competition was as--or even more--tough than in season 6?

Because I dislike him so much. He's doing it for spite. Yeah, that's it.

Ok, so I'll be nicer this week. It might kill me, but I'll try.

So, anyhoo, Padma meets the remaining recheftestants in the still-not-underwater Atlantis kitchen, accompanied by Wolfgang Puck. She tells DoucheyMike, Blais, and Antonia that this final Quickfire will be a reenactment of three of seven "classic" QFs from past seasons. DoucheyMike, as the winner of the last Elimination Challenge, gets to assign one of these challenges to a competitor, and he chooses that Antonia make a dish using only canned goods. Antonia then assigns a hot dog challenge to Blais, who in turn gives a one-pot meal challenge to DoucheyMike.

They have 45 minutes to prepare their dishes. Antonia says that Blais was dumb for giving DoucheyMike the one-pot challenge because that's basically freedom to do anything.

He chooses a pressure cooker as his one pot for a rendition of pork and beans. Antonia goes for a curried coconut soup. Blais decides to make the popular German snackfood, currywurst, plus homemade bread.

Just as everything seems to be running smoothly, Padma comes back in. Uh oh. Trouble.

The chefs get to assign a twist to each other, and while they might like it to be a knife in the gut, that is not one of the options. Pity. Richard assigns "finish cooking with no knives or utensils" to DoucheyMike, Antonia assigns "cook with one hand" to Richard, and is left with the "cook with a partner, wearing a shared apron" scenario. And who does she get to share her apron with?

Hootie Hoo!

Hilarity ensues. Not really. DoucheyMike stands around because his food is in the pressure cooker and there's not much left for him to do. This annoys Antonia who has to open cans and brunoise vegetables with Carla as her left hand, and the one-handed Blais who has to wrestle limes with his teeth.

After Padma and Puck taste everything, DoucheyMike is chosen as the winner of the challenge, even though he made a salad to serve under the pork and beans and in my mind that is no longer a one-pot meal. He won $5000 from Terlato wines, and the other two (and I) got bitter. Blais starts to feel pressured. Me too. Honestly, because I want him to win so much, I am feeling Blais' stress and watch the rest of the episode through my fingers.

Damn hard to take notes that way.

Later that day, for a change of scenery, the three meet Padma at the Cloisters at Ocean Club. She's brought some friends: Wolfgang Puck again, his shirt wrinkled as if he just took a nap in it, plus Iron Chef and all-around non-smiley guy Masaharu Morimoto, and the now-ubiquitous, Jewtino chef Michelle Bernstein. Aren't we sick of seeing this woman already? Does she have some special contract with Bravo that allows her to pop up just about every season? Can we banish her to Real Housewives of Miami?

Padma introduces these "Culinary Icons" and tells the cheftestants that they will be cooking their "last supper." Because DoucheyMike won the QF, he gets to choose his chef and assign the other two to his nemeses. He picks Bernstein (because he secretly has the hots for her), gives Morimoto to Antonia, and Puck to Blais. Padma then waves a little envelope in the air containing a twist "for later." Oh goody.

So the finalists chat with their Culinary Icons to find out what they want for dinner. Wolfgang fancies goulash, spaetzle, and apple strudel. He mentions apple strudel several times, emphasizing how much he loves it, and Blais is left wondering how he can make strudel dough with liquid nitrogen. Bernstein makes things easy for DoucheyMike and tells him she wants fried chicken and biscuits with gravy, because she comes from--wait for it--a Latin Jewish family.

And finally, Morimoto tells Antonia about the deceptively simple lunch of miso soup, pickles, and sashimi that his mom prepared for him when he came home from playing baseball. Mom, apparently suffering from OCD, used to pick through the rice to make sure all the grains were the same size before she cooked them. No pressure, Antonia.

Back at the ranch, Antonia says that DoucheyMike has "given it to her twice today," which has kinda sickening and potentially incestuous implications. Yeah, you hate me for putting that in your head, don't you? Ha!

The next day, they have three hours to cook. Tom comes through and makes the chefs nervous, especially Blais, who he torments with DoucheyMike's recent success.

Antonia initially wants to make hamachi sashimi, however, when she unwraps her fish, she finds it to be nearly rancid. I'm thinking that fish wrapped in plastic and not bought fresh from a fishmonger is probably not sushi grade, but we never saw the chefs shop, and do not know where the ingredients came from. I'm guessing there are no Whole Foods in the Bahamas. She finds some less-flavorful tuna hanging around and uses that instead.

The show is only about half over when we see the judges and Culinary Icons arrive for their meal. I'm thinking, "yay! a special Undersized episode to make up for the damn Supersized ones we've had to endure!" With them is guest judge for the evening Melanie Dunea, author of My Last Supper: 50 Great Chefs and Their Final Meals, there for the sole purpose of shilling her book, because her presence is a big nothing otherwise. Especially with Culinary Icons sitting just across the table from her.

Antonia presents her meal for Morimoto first. Her miso soup is too salty and her tuna is too spicy, but her rice is perfect and everyone seems to enjoy the umpteen varieties of pickle she prepared. However, Japanese flavors are subtle, and hers are anything but.

DoucheyMike added some pea puree to his version of fried chicken with a egg-yolk-stuffed empanada and mustard gravy. His chicken is a bit dry, and the coating, while crisp, didn't adhere well to his sous vide-ed bird. Bernstein says the egg-and-empanada thing is interesting, but her mom used to try that all the time and she wouldn't go for it.

Blais is last. As soon as the ladies taste his food, there's a chorus of "mmmmm," which can only be a good thing. His spaetzle are a bit tough, but they rave about his strudel, and the fact that he added his special Blais-ian touches, but kept the integrity of the dishes intact.

After the chowing down is completed, Padma tells them that Judges' Table is starting right now and that Blais is going on to the final final finale. He breathes a sigh of relief as Padma pulls out the envelope she showed the day before, the one containing yet another twist, and hands it to Antonia

Apparently the judges are still hungry, because DoucheyMike and Antonia  have one more challenge to face before finding out who makes it to the final final finale. The two of them must prepare one perfect bite, in 45 minutes.

Antonia goes for seared grouper in a coconut lobster broth with a yam, apple, and dill pollen relish. DoucheyMike makes a surf-and-turf of tempura lobster over beef tartare with olive caramel and chimichurri sauce. Dunno - both seemed much bigger than a single bite, particularly since there was food left over in the judges bowls when they were done trying the dishes.

The judges are split 3-3, leaving Puck to choose the who will go on. And that is...DoucheyMike. Of course. Damn.

Poor Antonia. Girl deserved to go to the final final finale.

Hate DoucheyMike.

Next week: Ravens vs Steelers (I'm from Baltimore, so guess who gets to be the Ravens?). The two finalists get to create the "restaurant of their dreams."  Art Smith and Curtis Stone - double yuck.

Posted by theminx on Minxeats.com.